Maurice Knows Everything

Fun With Kanye's Antics!

2009-09-15T18:52:00.017-04:00

So by now you know about the Kanye VMA's incident. Everybody's favorite genius / gay fish runs on stage at the 2009 MTV VMA's, snatches the mic from Taylor Swift as she's about to accept her award for "Best Female Video", and yells that Beyonce deserves the award instead because "she had one of the greatest videos of all time."

There's obviously been much chatter about this incident, and there is really no need to re-hash all of the anti-Kanye blog posts or say some lame shit about poor 17 year-old Taylor Swift. She's a millionaire singer...I feel very little sympathy and don't view her as some innocent teenage princess. If she was a regular pop star and not a country pop star, her Vijay Singh would be plastered on the internet somewhere already.

Aaaanyway, Kanye showed us all again that he's both a selfish egomaniac and extremely entertaining. I mean look at this nigga guzzling Hennessey before the show. Look at him grabbing Amber Rose's ass. This is great television!

It took to me a while to even believe this was real (remember the Bruno falling on Eminem hoax?) as it seemed all too convenient that everyone would play into their own personality stereotypes: Kanye (childlike outspokenness), Taylor Swift (innocent white girl), and Beyonce (regal-esque class act). Moreover, after Beyonce asked Taylor Swift to come out and give her speech, the chick already had a mic in her hand. MTV has already turned The Real World into a scripted show, why not the VMA's?

But I digress. Kanye West still remains one of my favorite artists because of situations like this. Why? Because real artists are fucking crazy. There is no such thing as sanity in art. If you compared the quality of work from all of "normal" writers, musicians, and painters throughout history to those of their less-stable counterparts, the sane stuff wouldn't even compare. Vagrants, assholes, psychotics, tyrants, drug addicts, and egomaniacs are superior artists. Period.

Besides, how the hell can Beyonce lose "Best Female Video" and win "Video of the Year"? I know MTV (25 years later) is still playing on the same worn "we're edgy, anything goes" mentality when it comes to their biggest awards show, but shit doesn't even make sense. For the Grammy's or Academy Awards, if you are the best of the best, you're the best in your own category, too. I completely see why Kanye was upset. Beyonce's video was the best of the year and she loses to THIS video?? It looks like a prescription birth control commercial.

Beyonce's video is the best female video of the year. There are thousands of gay men in black leotards doing her choreography that will gleefully back me up here.

Lastly, why does this type of behavior from Kanye still surprise anyone? Like his own personal Nostradamus, prophet Kanye's lyrics reference both his past experiences as well as those to come:

"Can't Tell Me Nothing", K. West

I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven
When I awoke, I spent that on a necklace.
I told God I'd be back in a second,
Man It's so hard not to act reckless.
To whom much is given much is tested.
Get arrested guess until he gets the message.
I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny,
And What I do? Act more stupidly.
Bought More Jewelry, More Louis V, My momma couldn't get through to me.
The drama, people suing me,
I'm on T.V. talking like it's just you and me.
I'm just saying how I feel man,
I ain't one of the Cosby's I ain't go to Hill man
I guess the money should've changed him,
I guess I should've forgot where I came From.

PICTURE TIME!
credit to Ryan G.

"The Look"

2009-08-05T21:46:00.004-04:00

Courtesy of Comixed.com

ESPN / ABC / Ben Roethlisberger Conspiracy Theory!

2009-07-22T20:20:00.010-04:00

So you may have heard earlier this week that Ben Roethlisberger was on the tail-end of a lawsuit filed by a woman who claims the 2-time Superbowl champ raped her in a Lake Tahoe penthouse during a celebrity golf tournament last summer.

Oh. You didn't? Well that's probably because ESPN has yet to cover the story.

Granted, these are strictly civil accusations and no criminal charges have been filed against the Steelers QB, but what is the motivation behind ESPN's blind eye to the whole story? Fox News covered the story. So did the Associated Press. What gives?

Is it racism?

As a black American, I can tell you that I honestly feel on occasion white executives negatively portray people of color and protect their white counterparts. ESPN surely didn't hesitate to make Kobe Bryant the face of illegal love back in '02. But this story goes beyond black and white for 'ol Rapelisberger. The answer -- as is the case 99% of the time -- is about green. And Shaquille O'Neal.

CONSPIRACY TIME!

1. Shaquille O'Neal has a new show on ABC called Shaq Vs.

2. The premise is that Shaq (pictured here with a panda bear) challenges professional athletes from different sports and tries to beat them at their own game.

3. The show's first episode airs August 8 and filming began today in Pittsburgh with Shaq competing against none other than BEN ROETHLISBERGER.

4. ESPN is owned by ABC.

5. In an attempt to not ruin the premier episode of Shaq Vs., ESPN has downplayed the Roethlisberger story because, hey, who wants to watch Shaq play football against a rapist?*

There you have it. Corporate ownership, kids.

You're still my boy, Big Ben.

*I do.

I Feel Like I'm Taking Crazy Pills

2009-07-07T20:20:00.005-04:00

The memorial service for Michael Jackson ended several hours ago and was a consensus success -- well, as successful as a funeral service can be. Mariah Carey took pills and Nick Cannon out of her mouth long enough to only screw up her song a little bit, but besides her shaky performance everything else went off hitch-free. Stevie sang a powerful version of Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer, Usher teared up as he sang to Michael's casket, Jermaine sang his late brothers favorite song Smile, and even John Mayer killed in his rendition of Human Nature. Everything went great, but one thing is still gnawing hard at my mindgrapes. Something so obvious, so crystal clear that the fact that its been overlooked is baffling.

Michael Jackson kids are white. Not half white. Not "look white." They're white white.

How come nobody else sees this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Nothing against them at all, they're beautiful children. They're, you know, just not biologically related to anyone on that Staples center stage today.

"Naw cause like he had them by that white lady and that's why they look like..." No. No. Those kids are white kids. Unless Mike was plunging bleach syringes into his scrotum, there's no way that can happen. Paris, his 11-year old daughter who spoke briefly before breaking down into tears, has dirty blond hair and blue eyes. Even half black kids don't look like that.

There is, of course, plenty of speculation. While TMZ reports that none of the kids are biologically his, the stance of the late King of Pop has never wavered. As per an interview in his 2003 special Living with Michael Jackson: “I had my own sperm cells in my other two children. They are all my children." And while it is also rumored that Mike is possibly the biological father of the youngest, Blanket, pictures tell a different story.

This begs the question: is Michael's mother raising them as black children? Are they allowed to say the N word?

All of this, by the way, is okay by me. I just need somebody else on this planet to publicly acknowledge that his children are white so I can stop thinking I'm insane.

Other quick thoughts:

- Was Kobe just there because he runs LA? If the Lakers would have lost the title do you think he'd still be there?
- KFC got a whole lot of "free" advertising today. I got my eye on you Magic.
- Brook Shields is awesome.
- Al Sharpton managed to only anger me with his face and voice, his words were actually okay.
- I got 5 bucks on Mike's kids being famous before this is all said and done. They'll be dating rappers and actresses in no time.

The King is Dead

2009-06-29T21:29:00.005-04:00

Everything that can be possibly made of the death of Michael Jackson -- if it has not yet been said -- will undoubtedly be covered ad nauseum over the coming days and weeks. Because of this, I propose to keep it simple.

RIP Michael. You gifted, crazy, tortured, misunderstood, creepy genius. I'll sincerely miss you.

Recorded at age 20, possibly my favorite MJ song, Off the Wall:

Kobe Bryant in Early Stages of Stuart Scott Disease

2009-06-12T22:03:00.011-04:00

Life is hard when you're named after a type of steak.

As both a Laker fan and someone with eye troubles myself, I've taken notice to something lately: Kobe Bryant's left eye is morphing.

It's nothing serious, but as the 2008 NBA MVP's playoff statistics are trending upward, his left eye is most certainly trending downward. Because of my limited access to pictorial data I cannot say for sure at what pace this transformation is occurring, but something is definitely happening here.

Maybe it's due to the many stresses in his life: rape charges, 2 kids, constant media scrutiny, year-long worldwide travel, pressure from fans, having to live with LeBron James...who knows. But if this keeps up, Kobe may become the Stuart Scott of the NBA. You know, minus the embarrassingly outdated slang. BOOYA!

FYI - Stuart Scott was hit in the eye with a football from a Juggs machine. Yeah, those balls come at you hard.

That's what she said?

BIll Gates Buys Satan's Powers; Creates Project Natal

2009-06-02T21:11:00.003-04:00

Yeah, so its been a while. Whatever. I'm back now.

Why? Because yesterday at E3 -- the annual Electronic Entertainment Expo -- Microsoft blew my fucking mind, that's why.

Behold Xbox's Project Natal, a completely controller-free gaming apparatus that allows you to use your entire body to control what's on-screen. But that's just like the Wii and the Wii Fit, right?

Nah, bro. Nahhhhhhhhh. If I were a better writer and not so lazy, I would go into detail about the features of Project Natal, the differences between this and anything similar, and the revolutionary nature of this hardware. But I won't. Instead, I'll leave you and Mr. YouTube clip alone for, say, 3 minutes and 40 seconds to understand it all.

Oh yeah, according to early hands-on (feet-on, arms-on, etc) reviews, it works as good as the video. This is one small step for man, one giant leap towards creepy video game sex.

Blue Slushies Are For Winners

2009-04-09T21:10:00.005-04:00

Poor guy. A 7-year-old girls soccer coach was forced to resign after sending the below e-mail to the parents. I think this letter is witty and hilarious. Some of the parents didn't.

Hey, don't be lazy, read it.

THE COACH’S ORIGINAL E-MAIL

Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is Michael and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies. Chris Mac will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular Terry to return to the sidelines. Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM. There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours. All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School. Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required. A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices. There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place. If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email). Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct. After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc. We used to tape the earings, but that practice is no longer acceptable. Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of. My home phone is 781 XXX XXXX, my cell number is 781 XXX XXXX, and I check my email frequently. According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others……

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach MacDonald has been designated “good guy” this year.

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

Go Green Death!

courtesy of it got stuck

Obama's First Presidential Trip to Iraq

2009-04-07T12:44:00.007-04:00

click for big

General Odierno: Check out that scary shit over there.

Obama: Yeah...that shit looks pretty scary...

Secret Service guy: Why do I look like Colonel Sanders?

courtesy of The New York Times

The One Where the Sham-Wow Guy Fought a Hooker

2009-03-30T21:25:00.004-04:00

Yep...just look at this mess. According to The Smoking Gun, Vince Shlomi -- the face and voice of the fictitiously-absorbent ShamWow towels -- was arrested last month on a felony battery charge after he...allegedly...beat the shit out of a hooker for viciously trying to bite his tongue out.

Here is the breakdown by way of Gawker.com and the police report:

Shlomi meets Sasha Harris in a Miami club. They go back to his hotel.
She propositions him for "straight sex." He pays her a thousand bucks in cash.
He kisses her.
She "bit his tongue and would not let go."
He punches her in her face repeatedly until she lets go.
He runs down to the hotel lobby.
They both get arrested.

On a scale of funny to disturbing, this story has to be somewhere in the middle...right next to R. Kelly peeing on kids. The story rises in funny when you discover that dude is a 44-year old creepy ex-Scientologist, but falls a bit when you actually see pictures of the post-fight prostitute. Ooo, Lord Xenu is gonna be pissed!

I also think Mr. Shlomi (God, what a terrible name) forgot the first rules of Hooker:

#1 - You do not kiss the Hooker.
#2 - You do NOT kiss the Hooker.

Man, do I love the internet.

In other news, upon hearing of Mr. Shlomi's tongue lacerations, rival infomercial pitch-man and bearded hero Billy Mays has vowed to donate not just three but FOUR bottles of Mighty Mend-It! That's an $80 value, folks!

Free Food and Crunk Juice Will Be Supplied

2009-03-23T21:01:00.016-04:00

Apparently this is an actual post on Craigslist.

Click photo for big, click the link, or read below. The choice is yours.

Now casting Music Video for “I Wanna Be Your Thong” (Lower East Side)

Epileptic/Arson Productions is now casting actors and actresses for a music video called: “I Wanna Be Your Thong” by the illest up and coming rap artist: “Ghetto Blood Drinka”.

The premise of the video is a fictitious porno film shoot called “Inter-racial Creamfest Orgie 5”. A line of 30-40 of the dopest bitches and hoes are waiting to give oral pleasure to “GBD” in order to get cast in the film when all of a sudden the dopest of the dope, flyest, sweet-ass she-honey appears on her knees before “GBD” causing him to break into song and perform his new single called “I Wanna Be Your Thong”.

We need the best looking bitches and g’s the streets have to offer. You must be willing to T-bag and bottom from the top and dance experience is a plus. Free food and crunk juice will be supplied for the video shoot in Queens at the end of April.
Send your head and body shots to epilepticarson@gmail.com.

For more info on other Epileptic/Arson productions please visit: COPBAR.TV

Ghetto Blood Drinka?? Epileptic/Arson productions???

And what the hell is a "bottom from the top"!? I Googled that shit and all I got was a Sammy album!

Worlds Third Greatest Website

2009-03-19T23:34:00.005-04:00

#1 - Google

#2 - Facebook

#3 - Name of the Year

So why is a simple blog that only posts 3 months a year the third best website in the world? Well, Doubty O'Skeptic, mostly cause it's the greatest fake name website every created!

Well, the best part is that the names aren't fake at all -- Spaceman Africa is a real person. Really. And so is Destiny Frankenstein. These things happen, folks. There really is a lady, right now, named Iris Macadangdang.

It's a tournament. 64 names. Only one Name of the Year.

Now just wrap your head around all of this for a moment. This...this is the most brilliant, simplistically-hilarious website I've seen in quite some time. My giggles echo against the brick walls of my office during awkwardly-sporadic moments of silence every time I go there.

Check it out. Oh, and don't forget to fill out your bracket!

You Can't Frown on a Waverunner

2009-03-02T16:54:00.006-05:00

So the above photo was recently leaked into cyberspace, and depicts an elated Chris Brown riding a waverunner last weekend in Miami. Looks like our boy Chris is doing just fine with this whole punch-and-bite-your-girlfriend scenario. MTV News apparently has also taken notice: Will Chris Brown Jet-Ski Pictures Hurt His Image?

This got me thinking. While we would all love to see pictures of an embarrassed and distraught Chris Brown moping about town like a light-skinned Eeyore, its just not that realistic.

And, as my boy Daniel Tosh points out, it's impossible to frown while you're on a waverunner. It's just not possible.

starts at about 1:35

The Craig Robinson Conspiracy

2009-02-26T22:00:00.018-05:00

The person to the left is the successful first-year coach of the Oregon State men's basketball team.

Say hello to Michelle Obama's brother, Craig Robinson.

Or should I say...

Michelle Obama!

I'm not gonna be fooled here. I dare somebody to tell me that they've seen Michelle and her brother together at the same time. You want to know the truth? ~~Its happend a couple times.~~ It's never happened!

[gasp]

So this leads us to one of three possible conclusions:

Possible Conclusion 1 - Michelle Obama is actually not real, and is in fact a character created by Craig Robinson. Finkel is Einhorn...Einhorn is Finkel!

Amongst the number mind-bottling truths this now opens up for us, by far the strangest is that we now know...somehow...that United States President Barack Obama is married to and has had two children by a basketball-astute transvestite.

Take that red states!

Possible Conclusion 2 - Craig Robinson is not real, and is actually a character created by an ambitious and athletic Michelle Obama, desperately yearning and secretly plotting to break barriers and shatter glass ceilings.

Michelle had spent a large part of her adult life held behind Barack's boundless ambitions: his politics, his writing, his basketball. Shes always known she was better than him at all three of those things. So last year she left the campaign trail several days a week to coach the Oregon State Beavers from 0-18 in their conference last year to a respectable 13-13 overall record.

The politics and writing were soon to come.

Possible Conclusion 3 - Craig Robinson is actually just Michelle Obama's older brother and looks like her and I'm just bored.

But no, seriously, they do look a lot alike.

You Shouldn't Have 8 Kids Because...

2009-02-25T20:39:00.002-05:00

You'll look like you ate a veiny planet.

Eewwwwwwww, yo. Ewwwwwww.

I'm sorry.

It's a Big Blue Watery Road

2009-02-12T13:39:00.002-05:00

So anybody who knows me personally is probably aware that I've watched this clip / listened to this song at least 50 times over the course of this week. I've got a fever...and the only prescription...is a rap song featuring Andy Samberg and T-Pain.

This has quickly turned into one of my favorite Digital Shorts*. It's certainly ahead of "Jizz in My Pants" but may not quite but up to the "Dick in a Box" level yet. Anyway, here's the unedited (a.k.a funnier) version of "I'm On a Boat" by The Lonely Island f. T-Pain. And sorry about the crappy quality, YouTube doesn't want me embedding this for some reason.

I'm on a boat motherfucker don't you ever forget.

The Lonely Island f. T-Pain - I'm On a Boat

Lyrics:

Aww shit, get your towels ready it's about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let's go

I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat, yeah)

I'm on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat

Take a picture, trick (trick)
I'm on a boat, bitch (bitch)
We drinking Santana champ,
Cause it's so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
I'm flipping burgers, you at Kinko's
Straight flipping copies

I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget

I'm on a boat and
It's going fast and
I got a nautical themed
pashmina afghan
I'm the king of the world
On a boat like Leo
If you're on the shore,
then you're sure not me-oh

Get the fuck up, this boat is REAL!!!

Fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker (motherfucker)
Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker (motherfucker)
I'm on the deck with my boys, motherfucker (yeah)
This boat engine make noise, motherfucker

Hey ma, if you could see me now (see me now)
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow (starboard bow)
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow (moon somehow)
Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible

Yeah, never thought I'd be on a boat
It's a big blue watery road (yeah)
Poseidon
Look at me, oh (all hands on deck)

Never thought I'd see the day
When a big boat coming my way
Believe me when I say
I fucked a mermaid

I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (woaah)
I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look at the mothafuckin' boat (sha-sha-shorty, shorty, yeah)

*I wish I owned a pair of Digital Shorts....

I KNOW EVERYTHING AND THESE ARE THE OFFICIAL SANDWICH LAWS:

2009-02-06T20:39:00.007-05:00

#1. - All non-meat sliced bread sandwiches are to hereby be cut diagonally.
#1a. - If sliced bread sandwich contains meat, cut vertically. This is to cut down on any messy meat excess with awkward diagonal slice.
#1b. - Club sandwiches are exempt from this rule.

#2. - All hoagies (or subs) are to be only sliced in straight vertical lines. Additionally, sandwich must be eaten by tilting ones head and biting horizontally. One must never eat a hoagie (or sub) head-on.

#3. - All peanut butter and Jelly (PB&J) sandwiches MUST be made with strawberry jelly or jam as the default compliment to the peanut butter. One is allowed to use other flavors of jelly or jam, but Grape is hereby NO LONGER the default flavor.

#4. - All meatball subs MUST be toasted. All non-toasted meatball subs are hereby illegal.

#5. - Any person witnessing someone over the age of 12 cutting the crust off of their bread is hereby allowed to slap that person in the face ONCE.

#6. - If one orders an Italian hoagie (or sub) and BY DEFAULT gets vinegar on their sandwich, they are permitted to murder the person who made this error.

#7. - While eating any round-roll sandwich (kaiser, cheeseburger, etc.), if one picks up the sandwich incorrectly and bites into it while the sandwich is UPSIDE-DOWN, said person loses all rights to the rest of that sandwich to any witness of said error.

PLEASE ADJUST YOUR BEHAVIOR FOR AFOREMENTIONED LAWS. THANK YOU.

Because I'm Lazy

2009-02-04T20:38:00.005-05:00

So this real-world-adult-life-paying-bills-daily-work stuff is pretty strenuous and successfully keeps me from writing the quality blog posts you kids are used to. So in the meantime, here is the Maurice Knows Everything version of a clip show episode.

First is a clip that was sent to me by a comrade of mine and features two of my favorite things: rednecks and local advertising. The clip sprains the funny bone while giving us an insight as to why Mississippi is the worst state in the country (fattest, dumbest, and most preggers). Peep:

link

Next is a random throwback video from the golden age of music: when Carson Daly was relevant. The video is "Rollin" by none other than Limp Bizkit, a bonafide classic among music snobs like myself. The video features the band and leading man Fred Durst (whom I've always respected for never letting a lack of talent stop his success and now looks like a fugly George Clooney) performing on top of the World Trade Center. Yup, that World Trade Center.

C'mon Al Qaeda, don't you think this would have been a better date for that whole smashy-building plane scheme? Peep:

link

Until next time, keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin, what!

We deserved it...

2009-01-27T22:37:00.003-05:00

I'm not even gonna lie...I watched this clip at least 8 times so far.

I don't know what it is about this video that brings me the most enjoyment...there's so many elements! Okay so it's a fat kid crying about his team losing a football game....AND he's a Giants fan...AND the Giants lost to the Eagles...AND a girl is using charades tactics to call him a pussy in the background...AND his friend completely shuts him down at the end...

It's too much. I love it.

link

Oh, and I love at the end that the cameraman is all like "Don't do that to him" knowing full well he's gonna post this life-alteringly embarrassing moment on Youtube for (as of 10:44pm today) 167,391 people to see.

Oh, Bama...

2009-01-21T20:38:00.008-05:00

Yesterday, our prayers we're finally answered. Lustrous rays of light fell precipitously upon the citizens of this great nation as one man -- if "man" is befitting of such a wondrous creation of our Lord-- finally took his rightful place among the greatest beings this country has ever produced.

That's right kids: Barack Hussein Obama is now the ~~motherfucking~~ 44th President of these United States of America!

Okay, so maybe it is a little early to crown this nigga all-time King of the World, but dammit I'm happy. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for a black president? Probably around 4 years or so. Thats, you know, a pretty long time.

So what happens, now? We got a speech yesterday that -- while it brilliantly articulated the current state of affairs and spoke to the hearts and minds of human beings worldwide -- was kind of a Debbie Downer. A "New Era of Responsibility"? Barry, that just sounds like some shit I don't feel like doing. And while I'll ride with you on this journey to improve world affairs, I gotta be honest: I think you're really over-estimating the American public's intelligence. We watch Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader...you're the one reading old Abe Lincoln books. Isn't it your job figure this shit out for us?

But I suppose HopeBob ChangePants needs all the help he can get. A black Hawaiian parent-less immigrants' son isn't going to fix two wars, the worst economy since the Depression, and the Detroit Lions all by himself. It's going to take a collective effort.

And by "collective effort," I mean that we can expect our new President and Democratic congress to collect all of our money and pour it into a giant Federal government. Now that's change we can believe in!

Liberal social stances aside (mandatory marriage for all gays!), I'm actually a pretty moderate guy. I'm not a huge fan of "shared prosperity," "common good," or other sugar-coated phrases for Communism*, but for some reason I legitimately believe all of the spending Obama is going to do is the best thing for this country. I know it goes against my beliefs as a fiscal conservative. I know going into more debt with the Chinese is a bad idea. I know you can't just keep printing new money with no real backing and expect everything to be fine. But I can't help but believe this guy. He's just so damn convincing! Just look at his Morgan Freeman-like moles! So trustworthy!

Plus he's a black guy that dances like a white guy, which is something suburban negroes like myself can really identify with.

Man, I wish my racist grandfather could have been alive to see this. He would have walked down the street laughing in the face of every white person he saw. Then I would have tried to explain that it is because of the white vote that any of this is possible. Then he would have said something cryptic and racist. Then I would sighed and shook my head. It would have been great.

Gobama!

*I blame Ayn Rand. I read Atlas Shrugged and have been an asshole ever since.

Brian Dawkins Uses Steroids

2009-01-13T21:20:00.008-05:00

Probably not true. Or isn't it...not...true?

You see, when it comes to investigative reporting, I look past the superfluous first layer of bullshit like facts and evidence, and get to the real core of a story. The reason I think that Brian Dawkins is juicing like Jay Kordich is based on something deeper, something only a true journalist can understand: Wild assumptions and gut feeling.

Sure, the Eagles are well on their way to Superbowl XLIII. And sure, I'm two Eagles wins away from being passed out next to a burning Ford Taurus with vomit on my jersey in a celebratory stupor with 3 million other morons. But I'm a man who listens to his gut...and my gut says somethings rumbling here that probably won't bear its head until after ~~dinner~~ the seasons over.

Anyway, remember a year ago when Dawkins was really slow to make a play, looked like he had lost a step, and had fans thinking about drafting another safety? Not so much this year. Hmm...it feels like its time to start assuming!

Assumption #1! - Uncontrollable Moodswings = Steroids
So he's on the sidelines before the game, you know, acting crazy. Yelling to a group of his teammates, and I quote, "I want to see crazy eyes and snot bubbles...." Pretending he's Wolverine. Then after last week's game he's crying? Brian, you're emoting pretty hard right now.

Assumption #2! - Old & Still Good = Steroids
Brian Dawkins is 35. That's like 89 in football years and 24 in eagle years. That's really old.

And what's up with him having averaged like 32 tackles a year from 2002 to 2007*, then this year he's got a freakish 88**? Last week alone he had like 8 sacks, 2 INTs, and 9 forced fumbles***. I seent it.

Assumption #3! - Stuff like this is always happening
Coaches get fired, fans trample one another, players tuck their glock in their sweatpants and accidentally shoot themselves in the thigh...stuffs happens. Sports are like politics, soap operas, your moms vagina. Somethings always happening.

So...you know. Don't be surprised when you're hearing this on Sportscenter sometime in the summer.

P.S. - When you type "philadelphia" into YouTube, "philadelphia eagles" is the first thing to pop up. Har har.

click for big

* none of
** these stats
*** are true

Lil Wayne on ESPN, Awkwardness Ensues

2009-01-06T22:08:00.003-05:00

Lil' Wayne -- famed beast, dog, and motherfucking problem -- was on ESPN today debating sports with hated elfish commentator Skip Bayless. Weezy has had his lollipop in the mouth of ESPN for months now -- writing lazy, unprofessional, yet playfully honest blogs for ESPN.com -- and apparently felt it was time to at least stick in the tip. Who doesn't want to read and watch the ramblings of a bi-curious promethazine-addicted superstar rapper turned sports expert?

Anyway, Skip Bayless (whose corny, a-hole sports anchor persona is like watching Howard Eskin act gay) claims to love Tha Carter III, compares it to Purple Rain, and continues to praise him far enough to ensure that everyone involved feels awkwardly embarrassed. Weezy does an okay job countering, and with obvious effort spends the rest of the show trying to help Skip, Dana "Belvedere" Jacobson, and the rest of America understand what the hell he's talking about.

God, listening to Lil' Wayne try to talk coherantly is like listening to someone who only uses English as their 3rd language. It's like Jackie Chan on any talk show ever...only Jackie has an excuse*! What's Weezy's excuse? Good Kush?

What makes it even worse is that I understand every word this man says, every point he's trying to make...but I'm burdened by the fact that there are millions of ~~white~~ people out there who have no clue what the eff this dude is talking about. He's not stupid, he just can't communicate with you. Codine is a hell of a drug.

But I guess that's how life is when you're a Martian. Lil' Wayne on ESPN feels like an extended version of the airport scene from The Fifth Element, where one of the aliens wears his best human suit and pretends to be Korban Dallas. Wow, hope you guys get that one.

Wayne's Superbowl pick? Ravens over Eagles.

Probly cause the Birdman is his daddy.

Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

*wait, Jackie Chan has no excuse. You've been here like 35 years Jackie! Speak better English!

You a Knucklehead

2009-01-03T18:37:00.011-05:00

So have you heard the one about Charles Barkley, the six bottles of Patrón, Steve Urkel, and the greatest blow job in the world?

No? You're too busy with your real-life responsibilities and have too much integrity to voluntarily obsess over the lives of people with whom you have zero personal connection with? Let's not kid ourselves here, chief. Stop being so high-and-mighty and spend some time reading Gawker like the rest of us.

Anyway, it goes like this. After a night of drinking in the VIP section of a Scottsdale, AZ club with Michael Strahan and human pussy magnet Jaleel White, renowned alcohol and gambling enthusiast Charles Barkley was arrested under suspicion of drunk driving after recklessly running a red light. Why wasn't Chuck driving more reck...ful?

"I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job."

You're risking severe public embarrassment and potential career suicide for one silly BJ? You're Charles Barkley, millionaire basketball Hall of Famer. I'm sure you've had your share of great blowjays. Why this?

Well, courtesy of deadspin.com:

"According to the officer who wrote the report, 'He asked me to admit that she was 'hot.' He asked me, 'You want the truth?' When I told him I did he...then explained that she had given him a 'b**w job' one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.'"

Best one he had ever had in his life? Better than Keisha with the big 'ole butt from South Philly in 1988? Better than that French journalist in Barcelona for the 1992 Olympics? Wow, Chuck. That's some serious oral sex.

OFFICIAL REENACTMENT!

Officer: License and registration please.
Barkley: You know who 'ah am?
Officer: A sweaty black guy who smells like tequila?
Barkley: Haaa, thass funny ociffer. I'm Charles Barkley.
Officer: Oh my goodness, you are Charles Barkley. Mr. Barkley, I have to ask you, have you been drinking tonight?
Barkley: I may have had uh teeny bit. But check out this lady next to me. She's hot right?
Officer: Hah, I...I guess-
Barkley: You have tuh admit she's hot. I was goin drahve around the corner and get a blow job. I had had one the uhtha week and it was the best one I had had in my life. 'Ah swear on Marv Albert's panties.
Officer: I have to take you in, Mr. Barkley.
Barkley: Das turrible.
Officer: What?
Barkley: Turrible.
Officer: Terrible?
Barkley: Turrible.

Aaaaand scene.

I love you Chuck!

Listen, Let Me Explain...

2009-01-01T15:27:00.007-05:00

First, I want to apologize for not making a blog post since late October. Completely unfair to all ~~seven~~ of you. Where else would you get your weeks-old nonsense commentary from? A better blog? Pffft, not on my watch.

Anyway, it was a crazy couple of months. The initial shock of a Philadelphia sports team winning a championship threw me into an emotional whirlwind (see below). The economy tanked, American cars were buy one get one free, people were betting with weed in casinos...things kind of snowballed quickly there for a while. Then, you know, after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States I had a hard time making my hands do anything except the #1 sign for a while. Typing wasn't easy during that time in my life.

But here we are. It's 2007, a new year, a new chance at everything. And before the American people get too intoxicated from smoking hope in their change-pipes, I'm making a resolution to be more consistent with my blog posts*. So to all of you who enjoy wasting several minutes reading my cloudy-minded rants about nonsense, congratulations, this year is gonna be awesome.

...It's 2009? Hmm. Word up.

Peace in the middle east, ya'll. (not really LOLLZZ!)

*or until something else ~~more interesting, fulfilling, profitable, or rewarding~~ comes along

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

2008-10-29T22:10:00.003-04:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhh ahhhh ahhhhh ahhhh AHHHHHHHH!!! Ahhhhh ohmygod yessssss. Yesssssssss. Whaat? Whaaatt?? Really!??

Whoaaaaaa. Ahhhhhhhh. Ahhh, Ahhhhhh, wooooo!! Ahhhhhh! Wow. WoooooooooO!!! Ahhhhhh ahhh ahhhhhhh ahha ahhhh ahhhhhh hahahahhaha aahaahhhhhh!

Ahhhhh! OOOooooooooo! Phillies Ahhhhhhhh!! Ahhhhh!!! Wo0ooooo, wooooo wooo ahhh yessss yeeeesssssss ahhhhhhh no...no way. no. yes. Ahhhhhh. Wow wooooooo! Ahhhhhh. Ahhhh ahhhhah ahhha ahahhaa hahahahaha hahahahhaa yesss ahhhhh haha hahahah ahhhh yeessssss. Wooooo WOoooooo. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
You..you guys. Ahhhhhh!!!

What is Nougat?

2008-10-27T22:09:00.003-04:00

Courtesy of Wikipedia:

Nougat is a term used to describe a variety of similar confectioneries made with sugar or honey, roasted nuts (almonds, walnuts, pistachios or hazelnuts are common, but not peanuts) and sometimes chopped candied fruit. The consistency of nougat can range from chewy to hard depending on its composition, and it is used in a variety of candy bars and chocolates.

There are two basic kinds of nougat: white and brown. White nougat is made with beaten egg whites and is soft, whereas brown nougat (called nougatine in French) is made with caramelized sugar and has a firmer, often crunchy texture.

Courtesy of Maurice:

Nougat is weird and chewy. It's the sticky stuff you don't taste in a Snickers. Don't worry about Nougat.

American News Media? Actual Reporting!?

2008-10-21T20:02:00.002-04:00

Tonight NBC Nightly News aired a surprisingly compelling report from a journalist named Richard Engel, who has embedded himself with a US Army company in Afghanistan. The report completely details a recent mission for the guys, including ~~awesome~~ shocking footage of the mission -- combat included.

I guess BBC and Comedy Central aren't the only places to get real news anymore.

This story is infinitely more gripping the majority of American news stories, and unlike most reality television, it's actually real.

It's probably not in the military's best interest to broadcast stories depicting actual US war strategies and troop locations, but hey, the stuff is entertaining so I'm all for it.

(I know its 4:30, but it's worth it)

Mark Wahlberg: Violent Anti-Semite

2008-10-18T15:56:00.003-04:00

So it turns out Marky Mark is a little sensitive when it comes to impressions.

Remember that "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals" skit on SNL a couple of weeks back...the one that's in embedded in the post below this one? Well, Mark went on Jimmy Kimmel last week and made a couple of things pretty obvious:

A: He's a badass motherfucker that hurts people
2. He doesn't like Andy Samberg

I think we all know that Marky Mark subscribes to a strict, looking-cool-at-all-times policy. And apparently, the consequences for forcing deviation from that policy involve stalking and blows to the face.

Czech it out.

link

Under the Radar

2008-10-07T20:14:00.004-04:00

With its ratings going through the Rufus due to Tina Fey's portrayal of Failin' Palin, Saturday Night Live is enjoying attention that they haven't garnered since the Will Farrell days.

But in the midst of all of the attention the political satire is getting, lots of quality funny from the non-election skits is going unnoticed. I've always been a big SNL fan, and it's nice to finally see the writing catch up to the talent of the cast. Personally, I believe that pound-for-pound this is one of the strongest lineups the 33 year-old show has ever seen.

Anyway, here is a taste of what you missed when you turned the channel after the Sarah Palin sketch.

Warning: Hilarity.

Mark WahlBerg Talks to Animals

The Lawrence Welk Show

Judy Grimes

Enjoy!

Maybe I Don't Know Everything

2008-10-05T19:19:00.003-04:00

Cause I have no idea at ALL what is happening in this picture.

Courtesy of Wonkette, here is the most confusing/disturbing photograph I've seen in a long damn time. So many strange nuances...

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?

I Can't See Russia From My House

2008-10-05T17:59:00.003-04:00

Hey, everyone. Sorry for the delay, I've been busy trying to find that elusive Sarah Palin sex tape. I honestly don't know why she keeps hiding it from me.

Anyway, it turns out everyone's favorite overachiever has been too busy reading every newspaper in existence to worry herself about truthfulness in saying that she can see Russia from her house. Let me say that again: Sarah Palin has never seen Russia from her house.

Truth is, at this point I don't know whether she actually said that herself or if the line was just a fabrication of the dark order of the evil liberal elite. Either way, she's an unbelievably unqualified embarrassment to our political system.

Whoops.

Check out the CNN report of how it is IMPOSSIBLE for this woman to have seen Russia from her house.

Your Move, Heely Kids

2008-09-17T22:33:00.002-04:00

Free Running. You know what it is -- you've seen those commercials where dudes are jumping off of buildings and running up walls in an attempt to prove to you that K-Swiss is actually really cool or that their deodorant keeps you fresh. That thing? That's Free Running.

And apparently these days it's a huge craze in England, France, and other Euro soccer-ish countries. It's blowing up like that girl from your high school. You know, the one that got really fat.

England is going to dominate this in the 2028 Olympics.

More Future News!

February 21, 2038 - Britain reclaims the United States after every wing of the American armed forces is smothered and rendered defenseless against flipping hoards of approximately 300,000 British Ninja Marines.

If You Could Have Any Athlete As Your Dad

2008-09-08T20:53:00.007-04:00

Who would it be? Having always been a sports fan (and because my father is a regular dude and not a famous multi-millionaire all-star) I've been thinking about this question for a little while now. What would be some of the advantages and disadvantages to having this athlete as a parent? Would you want to be addicted to cigars, whores, and home runs like your dad Babe Ruth, or how about having a devastating overhand left and a license to Crazy like any of Mike Tyson's 34 children?

So I ~~asked a couple people~~ conducted some very intensive research and have broken it down to a list -- in no particular order -- of the five athletes we'd most like to have as a father. For better or for worse.

Brett Favre

Why:
Your father’s dependability, passion, and grizzly, outdoorsy sense of fatherly protection. You get cool Anderson Cooper-esque grey hair at age 29. The nickname “Gunslinger” is available to you upon request.

Possible problems:
“Son, I’m retiring from work! Now we can hang out all day, have catches, go to games, anything you want! Oh, and I’m totally gonna build you that roller coaster you were asking about tomorrow! Go get your glove!”
[Fast-forward 20 minutes; you’re standing in the yard holding your mitt with a face barely able to contain the feelings of pure child-like bliss]
“Yeah…I’m sorry, kiddo. I’m gonna go play for the Jets instead. See you in February!”

“Oh yeah, tell your bitch mother to buy me some more Wrangers for my trip!”

Michael Jordan

Why:
23 years of Jordan sneakers. Free Hanes underwear for life. The ability to fly. The opportunity to effortlessly diss D-celebs like Cuba Gooding Jr. and Charlie Sheen.

Possible Problems:
Living under an umbrella of unattainable success periodically drives you into fits of white-hot rage. All your girlfriends want to fuck your dad. Warner Bros. and Nike force you to watch Space Jam once a week. You somehow nearly killed yourself that time you played baseball.

Shaquille O’Neal

Why:
You have a youthful, energetic father figure to look up to. Rims on everything from your stroller to your roller blades. You get to be 8 feet tall.

Possible Problems:
You have to listen to the screams of your mother being ripped in half twice a week. Your dad is more immature than you. You wake up in the ICU after dad overhears you saying “Superman is gay.”

Joe Montana

Why:
You never get nervous. Ever. Jerry Rice would come over and tell you stories whenever you were scared at night as a kid. Your name is Tony Montana.

Possible Problems:
Steve Young’s kid is better than you at everything. You have to go to 49ers games every week. Your name is Tony Montana.

Wayne Gretzky

Why:
Natural agility, quickness, strength, and skatey-ness. You know that everything tastes better inside the Stanley Cup. Attaining goals* in life seems easier for you than for most people.

Possible Problems:
You’re Canadian.

*Get it? Eh...eh? ...I'll show myself out.

Did You Say Rap Musical?

2008-09-06T14:57:00.006-04:00

Yes, yes I did.

Sticky Fingaz -- semi-famed actor and rapper who never forgot to let "the noise be noise" -- has taken it upon himself to simultaneously kill hip hop, film, and musical theatre. Yup, he's going for The Trifecta.

Actually, there's a strangely abundant amout of low-level star talent in this movie (Omar Epps, Ray J, Mekhi Phifer, Kurupt, Phaizon Love, Michael Rappaport, Sampson Simpson, etc). I bet dudes like Omar Epps did this just to have a chance to rap without getting laughed at.

I know it looks like it should be called Gunshots: The Movie, but as a rap fan I'm curiously drawn to this like a moth to a flame*.

Check out the trailer for his hip hop musical, A Day In The Life.

[link]

PS - Michael Rappaport is Black.

*burned by the fire?

Sarah Palin vs. Hillary Clinton

2008-09-02T23:36:00.008-04:00

"I may be broke, but I'm not flat busted."

Well folks, I’m back. I want to apologize for my nearly month-long absence…I had a few major changes in my life: residence, job, income, bills. All for the better except for the latter. Anyway, I wanted to touch on something I missed:

Who. The. Fuck. Is. Sarah. Palin?

The governor of Alaska? Really?? To me – and anybody not wearing a helmet and drooling on themselves – it’s obvious this pick is a direct product of Hillary Clinton. Hillary left 18 million votes out there for the pickin’s, and a decent number of those are middle America soccer moms who are just a little too racist to jump on the Black President ’08 watermelon truck. But here’s the secret: this bitch ain’t Hillary Clinton. Check it out, here is a quick and 100% True* tale of the tape:

Hillary Clinton only has one child named Chelsea and absolutely loves abortions.
Sarah Palin has five kids: Track(named after Track & Field), Bristol (named after a place she fished), Willow (named after a town in Alaska), Piper ("just a cool name"), and a brand new retarded kid named Trig (after the math he'll never understand). AND her 17 year-old unmarried daughter is about pop a fresh grandkid out her love pita. Gross.

Hillary Clinton wants mandatory universal health care for all Americans, whether you like it or not.
Sarah Palin once threw a blanket infected with smallpox on a hungry Inuit infant.*

Hillary Clinton is an envied political mind who knows the intricate details of both domestic and international policies.
Sarah Palin graduated from the University of Idaho with a minor in Political Science. Played basketball.

Sarah Palin has big, glorious librarian MILF titties. BRRRRUMMSKY!
Hillary Clinton is built for speed. Shriveled, saggy, vomit-inducing speed.

Hillary Clinton is strongly opposed to offshore and inland oil drilling. She is stalwartly in favor of new-age renewable energy sources and other policies that won’t work for 20 years.
Sarah Palin is all for drilling. Shit, she wants to drill her on own state! Doesn’t know what a solar panel is. Often refers to oil as America Water.

Hillary Clinton is 74 years old.
Sarah Palin is 12.

Sarah Palin hunts.
Hillary Clinton is often referred to by a word that rhymes with “hunt.”

Hillary Clinton has always been known as a champion of minority rights.
Sarah Palin saw her first black person at age 23. She immediately compared her arms’ darkness to his and felt his hair for 20 minutes.

Hillary Clinton voted on legislation to curtail illegal immigration while protecting ~~cheap labor~~ human rights.
Sarah Palin totally wants to get Miguel out of Alaska.

Sarah Palin's face is that of a former beauty queen and Miss Alaska Runner-up.
Hillary Clinton's face is a closely guarded secret between her staff and US Plastics.

There you have it, it's not even close. Hillary Clinton is probably the better politician, but Sarah Palin's naked body doesn't make your penis turtle.

So prepare yourselves, kids. When the reading on Obama's Change-ometer starts to sputter and people stop bathing with Hope on a Rope come late October, and after John McCain has his Nam flashback / subsequent heart attack in 2011 while dining at a Chinese restaurant, you will be looking at the new president of the United States of America: Busty McMurder!

I ask you: Is there a more American combination than big titties and violence?

*not 100%...maybe 20%? I dunno, do your own damn research.

Deaf Jam

2008-08-06T16:35:00.009-04:00

Blogger, author, and world-class asshole Tucker Max is (hopefully) about make us all a bit dumber.

You may know Tucker from his blog or from his NY Times bestseller I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, but either way if you are a fan of his work you probably A) Are in college, B) Drink Keystone Light Kegs, C) Think girls in frayed-bottom jean skirts are hot, or D) All of the above.

Personally, I became a fan of Mr. Max while I was ~~drunk off a Keystone 30-pack~~ in college, but didn't grow to love the guy until he won a lawsuit against my former boss, faux-socialite, blueberry-heir, and local Philadelphia d-bag Anthony DiMeo.

Anyway, Tucker had the brilliant idea of turning his debauchery-laced, sexually-deviant, alcohol-fueled "novel" into a feature film and recently sent out the script to I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell the movie. Since its release the internets have been abuzz with quirky comments from haters & snobs nationwide, but if you ask me it's not half bad.

It's all bad.

But shit, that's exactly what Tucker is going for. Check out the opening scene below and see for yourself. Hey, at least it's better than Michael Bay's version of The Dark Knight.

[click on images to enlarge]

{Link}

Fauxbama T-Shirts

2008-07-30T00:10:00.013-04:00

There is a new phenomenon sweeping ~~ghetto corners and boardwalks~~ the country recently that I've been been taking notice to: Bootleg Barack Obama T-shirts.

It's funny, people are treating this particular presidential candidate the same way they treat rap martyrs and dead comrades. Is it simply because he is the first black candidate with a serious shot at the white house? Is it only based on the color of Senator Obama's skin, or does it involve more inscrutable intangibles of the presumptive Democratic nominee?

Probably more of the former, but the latter doesn't hurt.

To have a Democratic candidate, a candidate with a profound speech-giving ability that evokes memories of MLK and JFK, a candidate that is feverishly loved worldwide, a candidate whose entire platform is based upon the word "change" is in direct contrast to our current Commander in Chief, George W. Bush.

Plus, yeah, he's a black dude.

But for whatever reason, niggas are taking it upon themselves to cash in upon this grassroots, ground-up fervor. The shirts are a nice reminder of the power of words and how American politics can still cause a stir in the hearts of everyday people. It's also a reminder to me why Barack Obama is probably going to lose this election.

Call me cynical, but I'm from Philly...I've seen hype and hope get crushed many times before.

Anyway, enjoy these shots of some of the Illinois Senator's bootleg t-shirts. And keep your eyes peeled for the really good ones that make him look Mexican and the fat black lady in your office who wears them every dress-down Friday.

Go capitalism!

P.S. - If I ever see a John McCain/Martin Luther King Jr. T-shirt (or any bootleg McCain shirt) I'm buying it on the spot.

Rivalry, Schmivalry

2008-07-26T17:46:00.003-04:00

Some love is bigger than baseball. Like fat bearded gay love. Totally bigger than baseball.

Courtesy of Deadspin {link}

Oh Yeeeeeah!!

2008-07-21T12:29:00.004-04:00

Kool-Aid strikes again!

"Wanted for Vandalism, Destruction of Property, and Pedophilia."

{link}

It's Gon' Be Tight, Ya'll!

2008-07-16T07:49:00.008-04:00

Yeah, this is really going to happen. Really. I like Cleveland on Family Guy as much as the next black guy with mostly white friends, but do Fox and Seth McFarlane really expect this to last?

Hopefully this'll be more Futurama and Daria than, say, American Dad.

Courtesy of Wikipedia:

The Cleveland Show will be an animated series focusing on the character of Cleveland Brown and his family as Cleveland moves from Rhode Island to Virginia. His newly introduced family includes his new wife, Donna, (to be voiced by Sanaa Lathan) her 16-year-old daughter, Roberta, (to be voiced by Nia Long) and her 5-year-old son, Rilo. Cleveland Jr. also is in the family but is now much fatter than he appeared on Family Guy. Cleveland's neighbors also include a family of talking anthropomorphic bears, a redneck couple (with the husband Lester to be voiced by Kevin Richardson) and a British family, with the husband to be voiced by Seth MacFarlane

I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Of course, I'd love to see Joe Swanson spinoff like Wheelchair Justice or Crippled Cop or something to that effect. Anyway, enjoy a preview of The Cleveland Show below, with interviews with the creators.

Quick! Flee the City!

2008-07-10T19:00:00.003-04:00

Philadelphia has the highest population decrease of any city over the last seven years (besides post-Katrina New Orleans) according to numbers released today by the US Census Bureau.

I recently told an out-of-town friend that my dad lives in West Philly.

"Oh? Is that the bad part?"
"Yeah, I guess. And North Philly. And South. And Southwest. And Northeast isn't great.......Center City is nice!"

That shit is embarrassing. And apparently the 4.5% of Philadelphians who dipped out felt the same way.

It's weird, because of my affinity for the town and personal history there, I feel as if Philly is a part of my family. And like with family, only other family members reserve the right to scrutinize. A stranger can't make some derogatory comment about your uncle, but you can call him a drunk asshole all you want. And that's what Philadelphia is to me now: a drunk uncle who recently fell upon some hard times. I mean, he's funny at family functions and gives you money during the holidays...but that nigga got problems and everybody knows it.

Franklin Institute, Philadelphia Museum of Art, Independance Hall, The Kimmel Center, The Constitution Center, Olde City, Penns Landing, 3 state-of-the-art Stadiums...awesome.

Top 5 murder rate, no championships, and poor tourism coupled with being found the least attractive, least stylish, least active, least friendly, and least worldly city in America...not so awesome.

"Philadelphia has been losing population for a while," said Greg Harper of the census bureau. "Philadelphia is one of the fastest-losing cities in the country."

Lay off the booze, Uncle Philly!

Senator Dreamboat

2008-07-07T19:08:00.008-04:00

Wow, John McCain was 100% beefcake hunk.

Don't get me wrong, I'm as heterosexual as they come. I love football, titties, and shemale porn the same as every other Joe Sixpack walking his sexiness around the red states. But let's face it people: dude was a good-looking dude.

And I use the word "was" because, hey, just look at him:

Man that shit scares me. We're all gonna end up like that, folks. Never mind the fact that he was in a Vietnamese prison camp for 5 1/2 years, tortured to the point where his hair turned white, and (still) couldn't lift is arms above his head. It wasn't charlie that made him look like that. Age is what turned John McCain from Tom Cruise to the old guy at the hardware store who makes the keys.

He's been through so much though...that's why you have to respect the guy. Not everybody has the ability to withstand years of solitary confinement, rope bindings, dysentery, and repetitive, excruciating beatings. Even greater, not many war heroes have the balls to publicly ditch their old wife after she cripples herself in a car accident for a younger, hotter, richer, blond-er chick. Those are the kind of bold moves that only a real American hero can make.

So enjoy your youth while you have it, kiddies. Cause you never know when you're gonna be in that Rascal wishing your junk still worked.

Jay-Z: The Greatest Rapper Ever

2008-06-30T19:35:00.006-04:00

When Jay-Z was announced in early February as this years headliner for Glastonbury -- the annual 3-day BBC music bonanza -- there was a not-so-low murmur of uncertainty. A legendary British rock festival...now being headlined by a black American rapper?

The doubters doubted.

Noel Gallagher, Oasis frontman and sourpuss extraordinaire, had more than a few choice words for the Jiggaman and the committee that put him at top billing. "Glastonbury has a tradition of guitar music." "Hip-hop at Glastonbury [is] wrong." "People aren't going to go." "Jay-Z...no chance."

The haters hated.

So fast forward to the final night of the concert. The two days preceding his performance set expectations at an astronomical level. Over 175,000 lucky redcoats -- having already ingested sets from Fatboy Slim, UNKLE, Kid Sister, Suzanne Vega, Duffy, Franz Ferdinand, Dizzee Rascal, Santogold, Kool Keith, My Morning Jacket, CSS, Estelle, Lupe Fiasco, Groove Armada, Massive Attack, Panic at the Disco, We Are Scientists, Ben Folds, Vampire Weekend, Los Campesinos, Black Kids, The Fratellis, KT Tunstall, Amy Winehouse, The Verve, Neil Diamond, Goldfrapp, James Blunt, The Reconteurs, Kings of Leon, and John Mayer to name a few -- want a fitting ending. So what did Hov do? Simply put: he showed us again why he is greatest rapper of all time.

The unmovable were moved. The unrockable were rocked. The insurmountable odds were...surmounted.

He performed all of his major hits, many of which he infused with recognizable rock riffs. He played to the crowd, went a capella, all while maintaining his legendary Marcy swag. He even kicked it off with a tongue-in-cheek cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall."

Looks like the vision of that Oasis was just a mirage (oh snap!).

Peep the first two songs from his performance below or the critically-acclaimed set in its entirety (and in better quality) here.

It's the ROC!

English English vs. American English

2008-06-26T20:12:00.008-04:00

"The Doody family hope to raise profile of faggots"

Well, the eldest son to the right certainly doesn't look too happy to be a part of the "Faggot Family." And dad looks like he enjoys a beer (or 12) and has the temper to go with it. The eyes are the window to the soul, my friends.

If there ever comes a day where I'm too mature to laugh at this, shoot me in the face.

I'm not gonna actually tell you what this BBC story is about, you're just going to have to read it your damn self.

Oh, and chill out on the alliteration BBC...you've gone too far.

Courtesy of Wonkette

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits

2008-06-23T18:30:00.006-04:00

The seven words you can't say on television -- and still can't -- according to legendary comedian George Carlin. Sadly, Carlin died last night of heart failure at the age of 71.

Fuck.

Carlin was undeniably one of the greats -- never once biting his tongue or shortchanging an audience. If he had something to say about politics, or religion, or society...he said it. He came out of a golden age of comedy with other stand-up giants like Richard Pryor, an age where a comedian didn't simply ask "did you ever notice", but instead would stand before a crowd and say, "This is the way it is. If you don't see that, then fuck you."

Carlin never grew up, he never stopped working, he never lost touch. As many people do when they reach a certain age, he became more cynical (which is pretty fucking cynical), but most important of all he always remained funny and relevant.

He was probably the only white comedian in history who could call a black person a "nigger", remain hilarious, and not seem like a racist. He was the first ever host of Saturday Night Live (and did it coked out of his mind). He was even locked up several times during shows for cursing "during times when children could be watching."

In his own words, "Fuck the children."

I know there is a lot of frivolous coverage about George Carlin today but I implore you -- especially younger readers -- to check out some of his work. It's truly a shame that greater censorship and the American "morality" and "values" movements have led to less freedom of speech in our media, yet greater world ignorance and violence.

If you are a religious person, you probably are forced to believe that he is burning in hell right now. As for me, I think he's peacefully at rest. Or doing lines with Jesus and Richard Pryor. Either one.

I'm a Modern Man [video and sound a bit off]

The Owners of America

Religion

Baseball and Football

It Ain't Happening

2008-06-16T19:11:00.007-04:00

Saw The Happening this weekend.

Awful.

I just don't get it. How could the same director of The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable make a movie this bad? The discrepancy between those movies and this one is almost inspiring. M. Night Shymalan has shown me how wide the range of human achievement actually is.

It almost seems as if this movie was bad on purpose. And -- in many ways -- I'm positive it was. I'm sure M. Night was very purposeful in how horrible and obvious he intended the acting to be, how predictably he wanted the plot to play out, and how lousy he tried to make the musical accompaniment. But because he failed to jump head-first into the idea of "bad movie" (like, say, Chris Rock with Pootie Tang) the film just ends up being this imbalanced mixed salad of sparse witty crouton pieces, bland tomato slices of gore, and huge green iceburg leaves of failure.

It wasn't enjoyable B-movie Snakes on a Plane funny bad, it was Saw 4 did-this-really-just-cost-me-$9 bad bad.

I'm not even upset that there wasn't a twist. A director can't put a twist in every film...that's just stupid. But a director/writer sure as hell can make the plot and characters interesting. The Happening had more holes than 2Pac's BMW.

Just do me a favor. If you haven't seen this movie...don't. I don't care what indie friends of yours tell you that it's good and that everybody else just doesn't understand the nuances of film. They're morons. This movie sucks.

Pros:
Mark Wahlberg, John Leguizamo
Philadelphia

Cons:
Everything else.

Never Forget.

Not Your Grandpops' Pot

2008-06-12T18:18:00.006-04:00

Marijuana today is twice as strong as it was 25 years ago, according to a national study.

The THC -- the drug in marijuana that makes it fun -- levels found in todays weed are at about a 9.6 percent average compared to only about 4 percent in 1983. That's a huge difference in potency.

The University of Mississippi's Potency Monitoring Project (yup, that's a real thing) has even found a strain in recent months with a potency of 37.2 percent. That's like crack weed! And I'm sure it costs way more than $20.

Although I'm proud to be a part of the generation exposed to the strongest tree of all time, there is a real part of me that fears for the consequences of todays sophisticated growing techniques. Sure, we get the benefit of smoking stuff that our parents' generation only dreamed about: Purple Haze, White Widow, Pineapple Kush, Jack Herer, Northern Lights, etc...but ingesting this level of THC certainly has its affects on the psyche and cognitive abilities of millions of young Americans.

Just imagine if hippies of the 60's had access to the marijuana that's around today. Protests? Marches? Political activism? Please, they'd be sitting on a couch eating a box of Corn Pops wishing Xbox was invented.

Do you think that Bob Marley would have been the same revolutionary singer/songwriter if you tripled his already astonishing THC intake? He'd be mumbling like Lil' Wayne. Cheech & Chong, Willie Nelson, Bob Dylan? They'd all be dead.

And Snoop Dogg...Jesus, I don't even know where to begin. This man's brain should be used for research.

Now who do I have to sensual massage to get some of that 37.2% stuff...?

Who is Lil Wayne?

2008-06-09T18:25:00.009-04:00

On June 10, 2008 Lil Wayne will release Tha Carter III, possibly the most anticipated (and critically acclaimed) album of the year regardless of genre. But if you're like me (and millions of other rap fans) you copped that shit weeks ago from your favorite torrent website/Chinese lady on the corner/bootlegger of choice. After sufficient spins of album number six from the "greatest rapper alive", I've learned a few new things about the Martian/Retard since the last time I analyzed his lyrics.

So here you go again my damies, everything I've learned about Lil Wayne...straight from the lyrics of Tha Carter III.

He's a beast.
He's a dog.
He's a motherfuckin problem.
He might go crazy on these niggas he don't give a motherfuck.
Run up in a nigga house and shoot his grandmother up.
He'll get your baby kidnapped and your baby mother fucked.
Two more inches he could have been in a casket.
He bounced right back on them bitches like Magic.
He's up like Viagra.
He does this shit for his Click like Adam Sandler.
He's got game like Stuart Scott fresh out of the ESPN shop.
He's tougher than Nigerian hair.
He's a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed.
His seconds, minutes, hours go to the almighty dollar.
He pops 'em like Orville Redenbacher.
He hates a shy bitch.
He ate a shy bitch.
She ain't shy no more, she changed her name to "My Bitch".
His watch sick. And his drop sick. And his glock sick. And his knot thick.
He be the shit now you got loose bowels.
He don't owe you like two vowels
He'd rather be pushing flowers then in the pen sharing showers.
He got so many bitches like he's Mike Lowrey.
Even Gwen Stefani said she couldn't doubt him
He can turn a crack rock into a mountain.
He's flyer than Beatlejuice, Beatlejuice, Beatlejuice.
Blind eyes can look at him and see the truth.
He's got Summer hating on him cause he's hotter than the sun.
Spring hates on him cause he ain't ever sprung.
He's got Winter hating on him cause he's colder than ya'll.
He will never Fall.
He's off the richter Hector Camacho Man Randy Savage.
He's got a pistol on the playground and watches the gunplay.
He's a doctor so they don't understand his writing.
So he stopped writing, and now hes like lightning.
His swagger is tighter than a yeast infection.
His fly go hard like geese erection.
He stays tight like pussy at night.
He's too paid to freestyle.
He's too paid to freestyle*
He don't rap fast he raps slow, cause he means every letter in the words in the sentence of his quotes.
He'll cool your ass down if you think you're hot shit.
He can see the end at the beginning, so he's not racing he's just sprinting.
He wears bright red like a girl toe.
He pulls million-dollar deals from his iPhone.
He'll get in a nigga chest like a bunch of phlegm.
His hair nappy like Pam.
He's got a lot of tattoos and he meant every tear.
He's gonna hit it, hit it like he can't miss.
He let her lick the rapper.
We are not the same, he is a Martian.
He can get your brains for a bargain like he bought it from Target.
He's rare like Mr. Clean with hair.
His flow so sick make you wanna throw your food up.
He knocks at the door, hopes not home, fates not around, and lucks all gone.
He ain't hot, hes a sauna.
He sweats money and the bank is his shower.
His picture should be in the dictionary as the definition of definition.
He'll do it again like nigga backwards.
He be with his dogs like Shaggy.
And he stays clean but gets dirty like Harry.
He's flyer than blue birds, cardinals, and canaries.
He's richer than Nicole and he's a Lion like her Daddy
He's the shit get the fuck up off his toilet.
He's got a 4-4 and a K like 8 stacks.
He be wildin' like Capitol One, whats in your wallet?
Posh Spice's husband couldn’t kick it like he kicks it.

Oh, and as for my overall take on the album? 8 out of 10.

*He had to say it twice.

Black President = Apocolypse

2008-06-03T21:53:00.008-04:00

So Barack Obama is officially the Democratic Party's nominee for President of the United States of America. What does this mean for the future of our country? Our world?

We are only one November 4th away from a catastrophic global event.

Evidence, you say?

Exhibit A - 24

Senator David Palmer is the target of a complex assassination plot, and -- once elected president -- must stop a nuclear bomb from detonating in Los Angeles. Why would terrorists want to nuke Hollywood? Two words: Black president.

Exhibit B - Deep Impact

Easily better than that craptastic Aerosmith soundtrack Armageddon, watching Deep Impact is like looking into the crystal ball of black-president-America's future.

In the end, Morgan Freeman is defenseless against the forces of intergalactic racism. Comet hits the planet, and although a total Extinction Level Event is avoided, every city on the east coast (New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Washington DC, Baltimore..uh...Dover...) is destroyed. Poor teenage Elijah Wood has to dirt bike over mountains to avoid be tsunami-waved to death.

Exhibit C - The Fifth Element

One of my favorite movies of all time* features arguably the worst fate for a post-Black president world. The plot?

A MONSTROUS BALL OF PURE FIERY EVIL IS HEADING TOWARDS EARTH.

If it wasn't for Bruce Willis and an oft-topless Milla Jovovich, the planet would be toast. And you know what? I don't think Milla Jovovich is gonna be topless enough in real life to stop this from happening.

And you don't even want to know what happened to the country after Mays Gilliam was elected in Head of State. The carnage was so grotesque it had to be pulled to save the films "PG-13" rating.

So just be weary when you're checking off that box next to Obama this November. You may just get "change" you weren't ready for. Death change.

Seacrest, out.

*Luc Besson + Bruce Willis + Chris Tucker ÷ Space x Future = Genius

I Can't Imagine His Terror...

2008-05-30T14:45:00.002-04:00

{link}

Know Nothing and Everything, Simultaniously!

2008-05-29T20:55:00.003-04:00

The brainchild of Japanese concept designer Mac Funamizu, this little ditty would allow us common know-it-alls to immediately prove our correctness without the tedious minute-swallowing process of asking Wikipedia. Instant knowledge...without all the fuss and work of education. Just point, touch, and know.

But don't go gettin all moist in your pantaloons for this just yet. This is, as said before, a concept. And this concept is approximately 30 years away from reality. So until then, we're going to have to settle for our present-day future technologies. You know, in-car GPS systems that verbally direct our driving routes, cellular phones that enable us to talk to everyone we know wherever we are, devices that hold thousands of albums of music in portable palm-sized rectangles, and a world wide interconnected network that allows us to find the answer to virtually any question imaginable.

I guess when you think about it, 2008 ain't so bad. Still want my jetpack, though.

{link}

MacGruber!!

2008-05-27T22:23:00.003-04:00

link

God I love these SNL skits. It's a shame too, because this is one of the few decent running skits the 33-year old show has going for it right now. Not at all due to a lack of talent in their cast -- everyone in the lineup is a potential star. Shit, even Keenan got to do Fat Albert. I guess it comes down to the Tina Fey-less writing staff. And I'm not hating on current head writer Seth Myers, he's actually pretty solid*. But don't come at me with some 9-minute long General Petraeus CSPAN spoof and expect me to stay tuned. It's not that funny.

Anymeow, there were still ~~many~~ some bright spots in the past couple episodes. They jabbed at Grand Theft Auto, had a surprisingly funny John McCain Weekend Update appearance, and accurately depicted 90% of all college-aged liberals.

It's no Chappelle's Show, but Saturday Night Live could just be video of John Kerry reading the New York Times and be funnier than MadTV. And watching Mind of Mencia is like drowning yourself in a luke warm bathtub of stupidity. God I hate Carlos Mencia.

Enjoy!

*that's what she said

Dear American Apparel,

2008-05-21T22:24:00.006-04:00

There is just some stuff I -- and just about any man with self respect -- won't wear. Here are several examples:

I understand how fashion works; trends are cyclical, you have to be a step ahead, and hipsters love ironic clothing. I even respect the fact that you guys don't airbrush your models and fight for immigrant rights. But there is a still a line. And having teen wolf model 70's running shorts is definitely over that line.

I mean c'mon, some stuff looks like something an artsy 7th grader would design for a school project:

Paper-thin double breasted cardigan? Get the fuck out of here.

I mean, I like your company's feistyness and ~~stolen ideas~~ creativity. And the fact that you show nipples is most certainly a plus. But what I'm trying to say is maybe its time you take it down a notch and just simma down now.

Sincerely,

Maurice Knows Everthing

P.S. - Best simma.

Best Debut in WNBA History

2008-05-19T21:41:00.006-04:00

So unless you're a ~~lesbian~~ former female athlete or just really into basketball, you probably don't care about the WNBA. I'm someone who falls inter the latter category.

I went to Rutgers, and before our recent resurgence in Football -- winning the Texas Bowl (what?) two years ago and the International Bowl (what?) last year -- the only sport we were any good at was Women's Basketball. You may only know them as the girls who got called "nappy-headed hoes" by Don Imus, but a lot of people who went to Rutgers actually followed them. Anyway, after a couple years of it, you learn a thing or two about girls' hoops. The #1 thing I learned?

Candace Parker is better than everybody.

My girlfriend hates my infatuation with Candace Parker...but its not entirely based on her sexiness. She is a great basketball player. She can dunk, shoot, dribble, post-up, pass, and play D. The only downside to her game is her ninja turtle-looking boyfriend.

Watch these highlights from her first pro game ever, in which she shatters the record for most points in a debut game by dropping 34 points (12 rebounds, 8 assists) and beating the defending champs on their court. You'll understand.

Click here if your job blocks embedded YouTube clips.

Obama Monkey Shirt: A Two-Part Commentary

2008-05-17T13:00:00.010-04:00

Unless you're living under/around/inside of a rock, spelunking in its many caverns and exploring the depths of your own ignorance, you've probably heard about the whole Obama Monkey T-Shirt controversy. If you haven't, check out the video below or click here (if your job blocks YouTube embeds).

Part I: Protesty Black People

Don't you have jobs?? When I first saw this report, I had just gotten home from work and was staring dumbfoundedly at the NBC Nightly News. Why are you protesting in front of some redneck's restaurant at 2:30 in the afternoon? Isn't your boss wondering where you are and why you weren't in the office today? What are you going to tell him, "I had to march in a 5 ft. circle with four other people yelling about a controversial T-shirt"?

And why protest, this? Who cares if some racist moron makes a racist, moronic T-shirt? It's not your place to tell racist morons what they can and can't do, this is America. People can do what they want. This country was founded on racist morons doing racist moronic shit. And to have the nerve to bring up Martin Luther King Jr. in your argument as to why you have to have a tiny protest in front of a backwoods redneck restaurant is absurd. MLK protested for Civil Rights: the right to eat in the same restaurants of white people, the right to drink from the same water fountains as white people, the right to be educated in the same schools as white people. He didn't walk in a semi-circle yelling about offensive clothing. This is different, you idiots. Let the Curious George people sue this asshole and that be the end of it. Stop giving this guy free publicity. You're being "deplitcted" as dummies.

Although I'm sure somewhere Al Sharpton is wolfing down a hoagie running to catch his flight to Marietta, Georgia.

Part II: Racist White Moron

You are a racist asshole. The first thing you need to do is come terms with this fact. You were raised in an area populated by racist assholes; an area where racist assholes have been bred to accept and even enjoy their own racist assholity. This is why you can run a "restaurant" and look like you had a hairy abortion on your face.

That is what offends me most. Not that you are racist and think you're a business genius for creating a barely marginally clever T-shirt with a monkey on it, but because you won't simply admit that the image is racist. It's racist, Mike Norman. We can all see that. But you say, "if that offends them then they are hunting a reason to be offended." Really? Would you be "hunting a reason to be offended" if some black bar down the street started selling these:

Of course not, cause that T-shirt is obviously racist. Grow up dude, it's 2008. Really.

Who Stalks You?

2008-05-14T20:26:00.007-04:00

According to a report by Gawker*, for about 3 hours yesterday afternoon, a possible glitch in the Facebook code allowed users to view the top 5 people who searched for them the most. By clicking on the search bar and hitting the down arrow, the 5 people who stalk your page hardest -- the ones who constantly browse through your pictures, read every wall post, and treat your life like a reality tv show -- could easily be outed. Hooray, right?

Wrong. Cause yo' ass is guilty of it too.

The nervousness that hit the Facebook community once word got out about the error says it all. The blinding light of truth that shone through the glass houses of users who feared getting caught stalking strangers is something we all can relate to. We are all stalkers. In the comfort of our own homes and workplaces we carouse through a world we are only moderately apart of. We keep tabs on friends, old friends, people we were never friends with, friends of friends, and that-motherfucker-who-keeps-writing-on-my-girlfriends-wall.

Sure, we sometimes use Facebook to make schoolwork easier or to force someone else to donate to charity, but the majority of the time is spent studying our peers' every move and consequently judging them.

Congratulating a classmate you barely spoke to and haven't seen in 4 years on her marriage isn't nice...its creepy and stalkerish.

But don't get me wrong; in no way am I saying it's a bad thing. I love the idea that my generation will be more connected to those we meet throughout our lives than any generation before us. The chance for us as a collective to do great things grows immensely when reaching people with similar ideas, feelings, and concerns is this easy. The opportunity for us to shape the world in our image is laid out before us.

So what if employers judge us on our Facebook pages or that the Federal Government uses it to track us? So what if we currently use the technology to hate on our Ex's new girlfriend/boyfriend or to cheat at Scrabble? It's fun, it's informative, and Facebook will probably never allow that person you watch to find out again.

So keep on checkin' that Mini-Feed, stalky. It'll just be you and Mark Zuckerberg's little secret.

*credit to Stephanie for putting me onto this story

Giant Nintendo Controller / Ironic Coffee Table

2008-05-12T15:31:00.010-04:00

Geeky? Yes. But this NES controller coffee table actually works. Check out the official site here or video of giant-controller Mario Bros 3 action here.

Warning: once you reach Giant World, your head explodes.

Legends of Anti-Quit

2008-05-08T19:45:00.011-04:00

Even after losing the North Carolina primary and only narrowly winning in Indiana, Hillary Clinton refuses to drop out of the race for the Democratic nomination. Despite obvious challenges like mathematic impossibility, long-term damage to her party, and old-fashioned looking stupid as hell...she won't leave. She refuses to quit.

This got me thinking: who else out there shares Hillary's "never die" attitude? Who else will never submit, even in the face of adversity and -- in some cases -- common sense?

Maurice Knows Everything presents the Top 5 Legends of Anti-Quit.

#5 - Jay-Z

Since Big Homie's "retirement" in November 2004, he's released 4 albums, won 5 Grammy's, and been on one long continuous farewell tour. Although Shawn Corey Carter is ~~arguably~~ the greatest rapper of all-time, he went through the self-proclaimed "worst retirement in history" and, frankly, isn't the same rapper he used to be. Kingdom Come was so-so (great first 5 tracks and downhill from there) and although his newest effort American Gangster has been critically-acclaimed as one of his best albums ever, he probably didn't write a lot of it himself.

Hang 'em up, Hov.

#4 - The Energizer Bunny

Motherfucker just keeps going and going and going.......

#3 - Amy Winehouse

Man, are crackheads entertaining or what? Even in the face of public embarrassment, career ruination (yep, that's a word), and probable overdose, this chick refuses to quit. She's been to rehab several times (with more to come), and jail several times (with more to come), and looks like Elvira's corpse after a year in a casket. This is what I call dedication.

Although she's most certainly going to end up with some kind of HBO documentary in the future about her downfall, she gets serious kudos for sticking to the rock star mentality and never trying to be something shes not: sober.

#2 - Rudy Ruettiger

"YOU'RE TOO SMALL, RUDY!!"

#1 - Rocky

“I know what it means to get knocked down. But I’ve never stayed down, and I never will. Let me tell you something – when it comes to finishing the fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit. I never give up.”
-Hillary Clinton; Philadelphia, PA April 1, 2008

Black Presidents' Version of Air Force One

2008-05-05T22:21:00.005-04:00

I need two pairrrrr....

Retro Rhymes

2008-05-01T19:28:00.003-04:00

Muchas congratulations to Busta Rhymes for taking us for a walk down Memory Lane...all the way back to 1998.

Back to a time where Master P and his gold tank ruled rap. Back to a time where a 400lb man* was NOT a player, but just fucked a lot. Back to a time where rap songs and videos didn't all involve being in or around a club.

Check out Busta Rhymes throw it back in his new single "Don't Touch Me" off his 8th solo album I'm Blessed.

* Big Pun was one of the greatest lyricists ever.

Jessica Alba's Nipples...Sorta

2008-05-01T19:18:00.003-04:00

Courtesy of Egotastic, click here for the Invisible Woman's visible nipples.

What? You're too good to squint at a computer monitor in a pathetic attempt to view a celebrity's areolas? Eff you.

Greatest Game in Ten Years

2008-04-27T14:52:00.008-04:00

I'm not normally a video game fanboy. The game I'm usually most looking forward to is Madden. I own Guitar Hero, but I don't post videos of myself playing on YouTube and truthfully don't really give two ~~shits~~ analog sticks about Halo. I play, but stay far away from the level of obsession that grips husky teens nationwide. But I gotta be real with you: it's T-minus 2 days on my mental Grand Theft Auto IV clock.

Why?

GTA IV was called "the greatest game in 10 years" by IGN, one of the video game industry's most credible sources.
Because Grand Theft Auto is a beacon to all that is right with adult entertainment. I use that particular phrase not to characterize it as something pornographic, but to describe it for what it is: entertainment for adults. The series has always been brimming with incredible humor, intelligence, violence, music, sex, hipness, action, creativity...all of which are perfectly proportioned to give an adult player an immersive entertainment experience.

I'm prefacing myself because I'm sure that Fox News and dozens of other outlets are sure to demolish Rockstar Games' achievement into a pile of one-dimensional raunchy rubble (Barney's cousin). Instead of looking at the game for its thought and ingenuity, they'll try to shape concerned mothers everywhere into thinking the game is simply stripteases, F-words, and running over the elderly in stolen cars. But GTA IV is more than Molitov cocktails and vehicular homicide.

It's the biting satire on the dozen or so in-game radio stations, it's marveling at the layout of a city that goes through changes in time and weather, it's the carefully selected soundtrack with over 5 CD's worth of music.

These are these things that make a Grand Theft Auto game great. And if I can do donuts in a Lamborghini in Times Square or get head from a fat hooker in a station wagon in the process, well dammit I'm with it.

Two more days, folks.

Cops - 1, Justice - 0

2008-04-25T18:35:00.012-04:00

Actually, cops are ahead by way more than that. After hundreds of Rodney King-style beatings and even more people assaulted during demonstrations and protests, cops have got to be up by millions.

This morning, the boys in blue have scored another shameful victory.

Today, the three detectives on trial for the murder of Sean Bell -- the 23 year-old who died the night before his wedding in front of a Queens nightclub in 2006 after police shot a barrage of 50 bullets at his car -- were found not guilty of all charges.

According to the New York Times, Detective Michael Oliver -- who fired 31 shots at Bell's car and faced manslaughter charges -- was told by Judge Arthur J. Cooperman that he made a "fair and just decision."

Now, I understand that all of you may not know all of the details of what happened, but Sean Bell was unarmed, (relatively) non-threatening, and had FIFTY BULLETS sprayed at his car. Do you have any idea how long it takes to unload 50 shots from handguns? That's like 3 minutes of gunfire!

Sean Bell was a big topic of conversation within the black community, and certainly now is sure to be one once again. But I'm here to say that this is not necessarily a racial issue, even with race-pimp extraordinaire Al Sharpton playing a role. Two of the three "officers" tried in the case are black. This is not a black and white issue. This is an issue for every American who respects justice, who understands basic concepts of right and wrong.

There are a lot of people in this country who unequivocally hate the police, and for a lot of them their feelings can be justified. When someone wonders how a kid can wear a "Stop Snitchin'" t-shirt, think about Sean Bell and other victims of unnecessary police brutality. Would a kid really want go to a police force whose job is to entrap them and lock them up? Think about those who are harassed by police on a daily basis. You can even think about that time you got a ticket for doing 35 in a 25. Sure he was "just doing his job", but isn't his job "to protect and to serve"? Who is he protecting? Who is he serving? You?

Now I'm not ready to get all Rage Against the Machine and say we should never comply with cops. Even the dumbest person knows we need police on the streets. What I'm saying is that it's easy to see why Ice Cube could scream "Fuck the Police" and make thousands of people cheer afterwards: because they get away with murder. I actually think the late Sublime frontman Bradley Nowell said it best in his ode to the L.A. riots, "April 29, 1992":

'But if you look at the streets it wasn't about Rodney King,
It's bout this fucked up situation and these fucked up police.
It's about coming up and staying on top
and screamin' 187 on a mother fuckin' cop.'

Bell left behind a fiancée and two daughters. Way to "Protect and Serve", NYPD.

Lazy Legs

2008-04-23T18:41:00.006-04:00

Honda -- known mostly in the U.S. for cheap, reliable cars and palm-slapping Sumo wrestlers -- has done it again. Normally, when the Japanese technology giant goes to a convention to flex on the competition, its usually with the unveiling of some new slow-walking robot that doesn't do anything.

But lo, at the upcoming Trade Fair on Barrier Free Equipments & Rehabilitation for the Elderly & the Disabled 2008 (TFBFERED2008 for short), Honda will reveal something new and intriguing: a "Walking Assist Device".

The main purpose of this contraption is obviously to help older people with weaker legs (or not enough money to keep up with their Rascal payments) to walk. But I'll be damned if I don't want one of these. Just imagine for a second that type of ease. I mean, walking is already easy...but is it really that easy?

You gotta love the Japanese for continuing to stay committed to America's 1950's view of the future. They invent lifelike female robots and toilets that flush to jazz music while we create yogurt that makes you poop and guns that shoot 1 million rounds per minute.

Eh, chalk it up to culture I guess.

Figure 1.1 - Actor in advertisement prepares to pop-n-lock, then jump into the most amazing breakdance windmill you've ever seen.

If You're Feelin Like a Pimp...

2008-04-17T18:42:00.006-04:00

nigga go and brush your shoulders off.

Coolest. Candidate. Ever.

I'm pretty sure we're only hours away from unnecessary speculation as to Barack's familiarity with Jay-Z by all of the cable news networks.

"Senator Obama, in 'brushing your shoulders off' last week, are you implying that you listen and support the message of Shawn 'Jay-Z' Carter? You support lyrics the likes of, and I quote: 'Can I get a Fuck You, to these bitches from all of my niggas who don't love hoes, they get no dough'?"

Ha, there's no way this man is gonna win the election.

Your World.

2008-04-16T20:28:00.006-04:00

In 2008, even in a world that is becoming ever more connected through technologies, trade, and travel, its shamefully easy to get caught up in our own little iPod-headphoned, stranger-ignoring, internet-masturbating universes. There are more townies than travelers. We know Britney better than Bush. We'd rather comment with a computer on a blog than converse with a person on a...bog.

Alliteration and wordplay aside, I thought I would take this time to just give us a quick snapshot of the world we live in, statistically. A world where if we actually televised reality, shows would be more about finding drinkable water and working in a cubicle than singing for dickheads*, sleeping with a hideous hasbeens, or throwing awesome 16th birthday parties. Here you go, masses. This is your world.

World Population

Rank	Country	Population
1.	China	1,321,851,888
2.	India	1,129,866,154
3.	USA	301,139,947
4.	Indonesia	234,693,997
5.	Brazil	190,010,647
6.	Pakistan	169,270,617
7.	Bangladesh	150,448,339
8.	Russia	141,377,752
9.	Nigeria	135,031,164
10.	Japan	127,467,972

World Religion

Religion		Adherents
Christianity		2.1 billion
Islam		1.5 billion
Secularism/Irreligious/Agnostic/Atheism		1.1 billion
Hinduism		900 million
Chinese traditional religion		394 million
Buddhism		376 million
Primal-indigenous		300 million
African Traditional & Diasporic		100 million
Sikhism		23 million
Juche		19 million
Spiritism		15 million
Judaism		14 million
Bahá'í		7 million
Jainism		4.2 million
Shinto		4 million
Cao Dai		4 million
Zoroastrianism		2.6 million
Tenrikyo		2 million
Neo-Paganism		1 million

World Languages

Rank	Country	People Fluent
1.	Mandarin	836,000,000
2.	Hindi	333,000,000
3.	Spanish	332,000,000
4.	English	322,000,000
5.	Bengali	189,000,000
6.	Arabic	186,000,000
7.	Portuguese	170,000,000
8.	Russian	170,000,000
9.	Japanese	125,000,000
10.	German	98,000,000

World Wealth (Gross Domestic Product)

Rank	Country	GDP(in millions of USD)
1.	USA	$16,830,100
2.	Japan	$4,383,762
3.	Germany	$3,322,147
4.	China	$3,250,827
5.	UK	$2,772,570
6.	France	$2,560,255
7.	Italy	$2,104,666
8.	Spain	$1,438,959
9.	Canada	$1,432,140
10.	Brazil	$1,313,590

Some quick thoughts.

-So if the US got into a all out royal rumble with China, there would be over 4 Chinese dudes to jump every 1 American? That's not fair...and they know martial arts! Good thing there's 250 million guns in this country, huh?
-When it comes to money, USA is winning...big. We got almost 4 times more GDP than the #2 country. Sure we're in huge debt, but there's people in this country that can BUY other countries. Haha, suck on that, Belarus.
-And there's only 15 million Jews? When did that happen? Theres 5 million more Juches than Jews...and I don't even what Juche is. Nevermind, I Wiki'd it.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that we all must change as Americans. We must take some time out to take a deep breath and clear our heads of all of the everyday hoopla. We must look at things on a grander scale every now and then, just enjoying being human and in the company of other human beings. We must open our eyes; we must open our minds. And most importantly, we must...learn Chinese and have more kids. Cause 30 years from now, these tables could look completely different.

*How can conservative Christians watch this crap and get teary-eyed for these kids? Isn't holding false "idols" against a commandment or something?

Still Spittin Like a Retard

2008-04-14T20:43:00.006-04:00

Finally -- after five minutes of teary-eyed, sure-to-land-me-in-hell laughter -- I've collected myself enough to type. Oh God, where do I start?

Do I take an easy jab at the retarded rapper and his "you can tell I'm mentally challenged by my shirt tuck skills" style of dress?

Do I say something about the swaying, emotionless host and his homo-erotic chest massages of "Jay-Dub"?

How about the classic middle school style video production, which perfectly times putting the retarded guy's face in a heart-shaped window after he drops the F-bomb?

It....it's just too much. Even the cat without the handicap sounds dumb as hell. What school did these dudes graduate from!? Hopefully the battle for the class of 2006 came a little harder than Radio vs. Broke Akon*.

I don't know. I'm not mature enough to handle this. Check it out for yourself.

Haha, I lost my damn mind around 2:25. Many thanks to NerdwithSwag.com for this clip.

*fun fact - Akon and I share the same birthday.

Way better than HBO John Adams

2008-04-10T20:40:00.004-04:00

...and I like the John Adams miniseries. But this is 24karat comic gold. Check out Drunken History Vol I, courtesy of Chomp Chomp.

Who knew all social studies needed to be funny was alcohol?

Michael Cera > Paul Giamatti

Oh, and click here to check out Drunken History Vol. 2, starring Jack Black.

Dr. King Was Shot 40 Years Ago

2008-04-05T02:30:00.010-04:00

Click image to embiggen.

I was on Facebook earlier this week and had a Boondocks moment. I stumbled upon an offensive group.

It wasn't a stupid knee-jerk reaction to something obvious like "Fuck the Troops" or "fuck niggers for president", but its subtly possibly makes it more venomous. I initially neglected to see anything of interest on the page, but then it hit me. I thought to myself..."What Would Huey Freeman Do?"

Sorry if I embarrass any of the members of Baddest Bitches (slash) Niggaz. Shout out to Aaron McGruder.

The Boondocks - Martin Luther King's Speach

"Black Entertainment Television...is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life!" lol

Crookfist '08

2008-04-02T20:12:00.007-04:00

About two months ago, after I pinned a Time Magazine photo of Barack Obama pretending to throw a football on my wall, I began to suspect that he may be a member of one of the weirdest, most perverse minorty groups in America: the left-handers.

A lefty, A southpaw, a crookfist...okay I made the last one up. But either way, I believed that Obama would have to battle the stereotypes associated with his strange sect of society: ink-smudged palms, weird scissors, and an overall conniving sneakiness.

But then I came across this article from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette -- the best of all the post-gazettes -- which shows that not only is Obama a lefty, but so is his opposition-in-waiting John McCain. And although most of America is aware that McCain lost his original left hand fighting redcoats in the Revolutionary War, the idea that his feather quill rests in the wrong mitt can still turn off many voters.

Quick, name a left-handed president!

- James A. Garfield
- Herbert Hoover
- Harry S. Truman
- Gerald Ford
- Ronald Reagan
- George Bush (the first one)
- Bill Clinton

West-hand facts:*

Lefties are more likely to be autistic and schizophrenic.
Left-handed college grad men make 26% more than right-handed college grad men.
Lefties seem to be better at artistic endeavors than rightys, due to a more robust development of the right side of their brains.
Left-handed people are fucking weird.**

*Facts courtesy of Wikipedia.
**Fact courtesy of Maurice.

Real-Life Homer

2008-04-01T19:51:00.004-04:00

click on image for big-ness.

From the guy who brought you real-life Mario, here is real-life Homer.

Creepy.

Learn Prison Slang, Don't Get Shanked

2008-04-01T19:04:00.003-04:00

Courtesy of Chomp Chomp, here are a few phrases to adopt while you're in jail.

And you thought that letter from Universal Music Group about your mp3's was an empty threat...

"Cho-Mo — A child molester. The most hated person in prison. More than snitches or cops believe it or not.

Spread - A spread is a meal prepared by a group of inmates. A trash bag is usually filled with 4 to 5 Ramen Noodles packages, diced summer sausages, dehydrated refried beans, beef or chicken sometimes stolen by the kitchen workers, Louisiana Hot Sauce, and whatever else the group might prefer. Boiling water is then added to the mixture and the trash bag is tied closed and encased in newspaper to keep the heat in. After about 5 minutes the trash bag can then be untied and carefully torn open to provide a perfect eating surface. Not until you pour the melted cheese over the top though. College kids everywhere should give it a try. You’d be surprised."

Click here to find out how to make a vagina out of a trashbag, how much weed you get in a "cap", and a bunch of other shit you hopefully never have to experience.

Philadelphia Sports, Personified

2008-03-25T19:32:00.014-04:00

It's astonishingly difficult to express in words the infinitely aching, painfully nagging torment Philly fans face every season of every year. Any attempt on my part to successfully convey the emotions of millions of Philadelphia faithful would fall short of truly encapsulating the feeling of never winning a championship. Just take my word for it. It's shitty.

I was born in 1984. The last Philadelphia championship in a major sport was a Sixers NBA Finals victory over the Lakers in 1983. Maurice Cheeks, the star guard on that team, current Sixers head coach, and overall class act, is pretty much the basis for my name. My mom actually went into labor at a Sixers playoff game. The shit runs that deep.

Some say we're cursed. Personally, I've lived through 2 Flyers NHL Finals losses, a Sixers NBA Finals loss, a Phillies World Series loss, an Eagles Superbowl loss, 4 Flyers NHL Conference Finals losses, and 3 consecutive Eagles NFC Championship losses. Even Philadelphia suburb-bred racing horse Smarty Jones -- who won the Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes by landslides -- choked in the Belmont and lost the Triple Crown.

Even still, every single year, hope somehow manages to creep back in on Philly fans. New trade acquisitions, draft picks, coaching changes, and "expert" predictions give us footing on the rungs of our championship dream ladder, only to mean nothing when reality snatches away our support and causes us to fall flat in defeat.

To add to the misery, by some twisted ongoing joke of God, our teams are perennially competitive. They make the playoffs annually for the sake of losing in dramatic fashion. The good news is we know this. Even when our hearts are set on some optimistic possibility, the chance of what-could-happen, our minds forever understand that we were never meant to win. It's not gonna happen. Ever.

We're dependably good; never great.

This brings me to Mike Mamula. There is no better personification of this Philadelphia sporting paradigm for me than former Eagles defensive end and current nobody Mike Mamula.

Philadelphiaeagles.com ran a "Where Are They Now?" piece on ol' Mike this week, laying out the highs and (because it's the "official" website and would never say anything negative) lesser highs of his career.

Mike entered the NFL draft as a hot prospect after a remarkable senior college season and jaw-dropping combine workout. The Eagles, naively excited about this kid, traded their 12th overall pick and 2 second round picks to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the 7th overall pick...which was used on Mamula.

Tampa Bay would then use that 12th pick to select Warren Sapp, one of the greatest defensive tackles of all time.

Mamula, thrilled by the opportunity the Eagles provided him, went on to become one of the most remarkably average players ever. Not always terrible or incredible, Mamula was a solid piece in a decent Philly defense. And after 5 "good" seasons with the birds, he blew out his knee and ended his career.

So what's Mike up to now? Did he learn how to invest those millions he made as a player like Lenny Dykstra and retire in a country only rich people know about? Is he working at a college in Florida somewhere, coaching youngsters and voting Republican? Is he living an adventurous life, climbing mountains and visiting distant lands?

Nope. He is the co-owner of CSS Test Inc., an employment screening company in Voorhees, NJ. Mike Mamula looks for weed in your pee pee.

"If you go for a job and you have to get a drug test and a background check, that's what my company does. We provide that service and we also do state contracts and things like that."

-Mike Mamula, a walking memorial to Philly sports mediocrity.

Corinne Baily Rae

2008-03-24T19:12:00.013-04:00

Sad News: The husband of British songstress Corinne Baily Rae was found dead today of a suspected drug overdose in his Leeds, England apartment.

Good News: Corinne Baily...[my last name]?

I mean, it's not strictly because of her looks. Corinne is cute, but not necessarily someone who'd make you extend your jeans upon seeing. It's more so to fulfill a dream I've had for years now. A dream of a life with no worries. A dream to be rich and having never earned a dime of it. A dream to marry and/or impregnate a rich and/or famous and/or powerful woman.

Dave Chappelle knows...Oprah's long-time "partner" Stedman is a hero to us all. Just look at him.

Where does Stedman work? His house. What does he do? Nothing. He has a 11AM meeting every morning in the bathroom. What does he do? Shit.

Who wouldn't want that life?

Now I understand Corinne Baily ~~Rae~~ is no Oprah. But my attempts at Facebook poke-flirting soon-to-be WNBA millionaire Candace Parker haven't worked and I'm starting to think my master plan of breaking into the dildo factory and getting my sperm on all the big ones is gonna get me on Maury before it gets me in Midtown. What else am I to do?

If you're reading this Corinne, I'm sorry to hear about whats-his-name. I'd love to console you over the finest late-lunch early-dinner our local Panera Bread can provide. After some good conversation, a bowl of broccoli and cheese soup, and half a turkey sandwich, you'll be ready to go home and peacefully sleep while I buy every Jordan I see on the internet. So Chin up, baby girl.

Even though I'd dump you in a second if Alicia Keys ever left her girlfriend.

The Wide Spectrum of Brilliance

2008-03-18T20:20:00.005-04:00

Behold, the power of a black man's pen. Two examples:

Barack Obama - A More Perfect Union
Written by the Obama himself, the speech is an incredibly insightful, thoughtful, honest, and clarifying look at not only race in our great nation, but the people behind those broad racial classifications.

Hotstylz - Lookin Ass Niggacourtesy of Youheardthatnew.com
These niggas is funny.

GTA, You've Stolen My Heart

2008-03-13T20:00:00.005-04:00

Grand Theft Auto IV -- the latest installment of Rockstar Games' epic crime series -- makes its next-gen debut in April and, let me be honest, I'd probably spit in your grandmothers face to play it now.

If you're not familiar with these games, get familiar. No other series pushes the envelope as far as GTA does in terms of violence, sex, and language, while still managing to stay raucously hilarious and suspend the gamer in child-like wide-eyed amazement throughout. A little much? No way, bruh.

MTV is the first outlet in the world to get their hands on a playable copy, and their claim is that GTA IV is "less like a video game than ever before." And although there will be no secret codes for "hot coffee" sex scenes or airplanes to fly in this version, there are still plenty of reasons to lock yourself into your room with your friends and drugs of choice and aimlessly gun down hordes of strangers on a busy New York, err..."Liberty City" street.

Check out their experience here. But if you're part of the majority of Americans who don't read, maybe checking out a trailer for GTA IV or the official website is more your speed.

This BORES Me...

2008-03-11T19:42:00.004-04:00

I have to apologize to all seven of you for not having any updates in the past several days but I have to be honest: the world is boring.

My habits haven't changed. The internet and I have been hanging out like we usually do. You know, briefly in the mornings, on my down time at work, then for a solid few hours in the evenings. But over the past 4 or so days, nothing I've seen has really caught my eye as being important enough to broadcast.

I mean, Eliot Spitzer, the (soon-to-be former) governor of New York got caught paying thousands for high-class hoes...but who gives a shitty dick about Eliot Spitzer? You weren't thinkin about his ass last week. You were thinking about Obama and Hillary. And whats been going on with them? Oh yeah, they're still tied.

What else has happened? Ummmm, Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yawn. Dozens more people died in Iraq. Boring. We found out that 1 in 4 teenage girls have an STD...but my burning urine could have told you that.

Where are the blockbuster sports trades? Where are the reality TV bounty hunters saying the N-word?? Where are all the hidden celebrity nipples yearning to breathe free!?

Even YouTube is wack this week. All the most viewed is full of clips of weird foreign soap operas. What the hell is Asi 17.Bölüm 3.Kısım - 22 Şubat 2008!?? The 22nd of Şubat? February??

God, you must do something! It's time to call to arms to all your news makers: George Bush, Britney Spears, sneezing YouTube pandas...and save us from this mediocrity atrocity!

So Snoop Dogg is Prince Now

2008-03-05T20:35:00.011-05:00

And I don't even mind. I'm feelin this shit; he can do no wrong. Except maybe Bones...that was wrong...

It's funny, when I look at the above picture absolutely nothing seems strange to me. But then I look closer, and I begin to see a grown man in a blue shower cap with third-grade-black-girl-double-dutch ball hair ties carrying a Louis Vuitton purse.

Somehow -- like The Artist Currently Known As Prince -- Snoop still seems cool.

Check out his cover of the Morris Day song "Cool" off Snoop's upcoming album Ego.

Song courtesy of Youheardthatnew.com .

Mike Vick is in Jail

2008-03-03T20:03:00.007-05:00

Warning: no blood or anything but pretty disturbing. Not as bad a watching someone break their leg, but more shocking maybe? I dunno. You're gonna watch it anyways, sicko. That's why you come on the internet.

After initially being very sickened by this, it started to seem a little ridiculous to even get upset. They're in Iraq. Dozens of people die daily.

I'm in no way trying to say what these guys did is okay, but it gets increasingly forgivable when the bigger picture comes into focus. I don't want to be one of those people who watches a movie where thousands of people are viciously murdered then goes "awww" when the horse falls down.

But yeah, these guys are mudbutt assholes.

What do you think?

You Should See Him Do a Twista Song

2008-03-03T19:44:00.003-05:00

This clip starts out a little slow, but I promise that by the end you will be at least moderately impressed. Check out Daft Hands.

For those of you not familiar (hows life under that rock?), the song is Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" off the Discovery album. It's a great CD, and I should know...I know everything.

And yes, in case you were wondering, somebody already did Kanye Hands.

The Future Can Kill You

2008-03-03T19:11:00.005-05:00

It's 2008. People walk on conveyor belts. People fly using Jet Packs (everybody ready for Jet Pack Man Yeeeaaahhh!!). We've already seen flying cars (and swimming cars). So what else is left? What are we still missing from our Jetson-esque futuristic dreams?

Oh yeah, Ray Guns.

The U.S. Military has developed a ray gun for the use of "disbursing large crowds" such as violent protests and riots. The gun -- which looks nothing like figure 1.1 --

is an invisible beam of energy that can make you feel like "you're on fire". Or, as the reporter in this CBS News clip describes, like "being doused in scolding water."

Check it out.

Side note: If this thing had come out 50 years ago, there'd be a whole generation of African American civil rights protesters with ray gun-related cancers.

Garfield minus Garfield

2008-02-27T21:25:00.004-05:00

50% hilarious, 50% depressing, 100%.....depressing. Peep Garfield minus Garfield.

I never was good at math.

Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against lonliness and methamphetamine addiction in a quiet American suburb.

Cut...Cut

2008-02-25T21:46:00.002-05:00

Why do I know every word to this old Blow Pops commercial? Was I brainwashed by the Charms corporation as a kid?

This is definitely worse than Christmas Fruity Pebbles.

Two things:

#1 - It's always bothered me that the sour apple kid at :16 doesn't actually say sour apple. What? He can't slap his forehead and say "sour apple" at the same time? Some kids aren't meant to act.

#2 - Blow Pops > Tootsie Roll Pops. CASE CLOSED.

Is Obama Too Cool To Be President?

2008-02-22T19:46:00.011-05:00

Slate.com recently ran an article questioning whether Obama can become too hip for his own good. Although I've heard it argued that by the time the Presidential election is held most hipsters would have adopted the idea that liking Obama "was so January," he is currently looked at nationwide as the "cool" choice for president. This got me wondering: Are there enough cool kids in America to elect Barack Obama?

I'm not here to get into a policy debate or to discuss the specifics of his stance on issues, that's for more important blogs to figure out. What I'm saying is not based on him being liberal or conservative, male or female, or black or white (or both). What I am really concerned with is whether people like this:

will vote for somebody as cool as this:

Anyone who follows politics knows that the game is pretty much filled to the brim with ~~former~~ geeks. I'd venture to say that of the elderly millionaires that we elect to make our decisions for us, the vast majority of them are true Poindexters like Dennis Kucinich, Condoleezza Rice, and Ron Paul.

They're brilliant, weird deviants who have the ability to lose complete touch with popular culture and try to have gay sex with people in airport bathrooms. On a scale of Urkel to Fonzie, they're Dwight from The Office.

Of course, when you look at the presidents we've had over the past 16 years, both have been pretty cool guys. Bill Clinton played sax on the Arsenio Hall Show and got head from his intern. George Bush was an alcoholic that owned a professional baseball team. So maybe Obama's got a shot.

But fanaticism over a candidate like this certainly seems new. The dude has tens of thousands scream-chanting "Yes We Can" at his rallies. He's got people fainting at his speeches like 13-year-old Ukrainian girls at a Michael Jackson concert in 1989. He's been on Hot 97 TWICE.

Is he too cool? Will Midwestern women with golden retriever sweatshirts or Philadelphians give them their votes? We're just gonna have to wait and see.

One thing is for certain, he's beating the hell out of Nerdy McStudytime.

Lindsay Lohan's Boobs Huge, Freckled

2008-02-18T19:09:00.005-05:00

Lindsay "Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug" Lohan recently posed nude in New York Magazine recreating a (so I'm told) legendary shoot of Marilyn Monroe by photographer Bert Stern. The photo shoot was, sadly, Monroe's last.

I'm (surprisingly) not gonna bore you with a bunch of criticisms about how this is the beginning of the end for Lohan's career or how this is proof that Hollywood females are feeling pressure to push the envelope because of crazy-ass Britney Spears' antics. It wouldn't be fair to my lonely, titty-adoring fans out there. It just wouldn't be right.

So click here for Lindsay's pics in New York Magazine. Cheers.

Side note: pinker than I thought. I thought she'd be the more flesh-colored see-thru type.

Flashing Lights...maybe...

2008-02-15T19:26:00.006-05:00

Regardless of how you feel about Kanye West, the man knows how to do a music video. And now, apparently, music video trailers.

This is the clip that Universal has put out as the music video for Kanye's song Flashing Lights, at least according to their YouTube account. But word around the campfire is that this is not the real video and that the true video for flashing lights will emerge soon.

Anyway, a lot of people have been shitting on this video and complaining that its boring and doesn't do the song justice, but I'm pretty sure these people suffer from blurred vision and/or mild retardation. I think the video for Flashing Lights may very well be his best yet.

Maybe its the girl in the video, maybe I -- like Dave Chappelle -- think everything looks better in slow motion. I dunno. But I do know Nas agrees with me. "This video is fucking incredible. Nobody wants to be different. Everybody wants to be the same, and Kanye always comes with some other shit. He’s not afraid to be different." Well said, has been.

Anyway, Check out this Spike Jonze-directed scintillating slow-motion cinematic...super?....saucy.....song..movie?.......and decide for yourself.

Just Because I Love This Picture

2008-02-07T23:21:00.001-05:00

young, idealistic, hippy, Billary.

Teriyaki Chicken

2008-02-06T20:04:00.001-05:00

I can't yet provide you with any hard evidence, but I'm pretty sure the good people of Kentucky have been swindling the rest of us for years.

They want you to believe that their precious idol -- Colonel Harland Sanders -- was a simple southern gentleman born in Henryville, Indiana and raised on vast stretches of Kentucky bluegrass. But after ~~years~~ minutes of ~~extensive research~~ looking at his picture, Maurice has discovered the TRUTH!

COLONEL SANDERS WAS JAPANESE!!

In his younger, more judge-y days...

Barack Obama In...

2008-01-28T19:28:00.000-05:00

Chevy Chase '08.

Duhhh I'm a Woman Duhhh

2008-01-26T12:49:00.000-05:00

Newsweek reports that not only do men think they are smarter than women, women think men are smarter than women.

Of course there is no real scientific difference between the intelligence of a man or a woman, but as a whole, regardless of age, race, or nationality, males tend to overestimate their own intelligence. Men, as a whole, are more comfortable about how smart they are while their female counterparts more often think they're dumber than they actually are.

Even a girl with exceptional intelligence may suffer from low self-esteem about how smart she is and believe for a lifetime that an average intelligence man is smarter than her.

Aww, did daddy not give you enough positive feedback when you got good grades on your report card? Was mommy too busy trying to be an old whorish Barbie instead of carefully sculpting her children's self esteem?

I always knew girls were dumb.

These are the same chicks who won't vote for Hillary because they don't think a woman is capable of being president.

Who Let Mitt Romney Out?

2008-01-25T20:53:00.000-05:00

What an embarrassing clip for everyone. I dare you to try to watch it without cringing.

#1 - Why do candidates feel the need to do "Black things" on MLK Day anyway? It's insulting.

#2 - Why is Mitt Romney pretending that he has any interest in the lives of young black kids? You're an old white Mormon businessman-turned-politician named Willard Mitt.

#3 - Is "Who Let the Dogs Out" really the most up to date "cool" thing you can say to a group of black kids? Wow, that's a shame Mitt Romney. Cause real talk, that song came out 8 years ago, brah. Seriously, check out the cover:

that was a long ass time ago, Mitt Romney.

#4 - Black people didn't even like "Who Let the Dogs Out", Mitt Romney. White people did. That's why you've heard of it.

Mitt, next MLK Day just...just stay home and watch a couple episodes of Good Times and enjoy your day off. That'll be enough for us.

White Chicks and Gang Signs

2008-01-25T20:44:00.000-05:00

Ahh, one of the universes great mysteries is finally ushered into the spotlight: why do white girls throw up gang signs and a kissy face in all pictures?

This phenomenon has been sweeping suburban communities for almost a decade, and fortunately now there is someone here (verytasteful.com) to put all these bitches on blast.

Czech it out.

White Chicks & Gang Signs

And speaking of white chicks...

I Am Legend

2008-01-16T18:52:00.000-05:00

Teenage Aussie Corey Worthington Delaney may be a lot of things. He may be an idiot. He may be a menace to his neighborhood. He may even technically be a criminal. But above all of these things, Corey Delaney is a fucking LEGEND.

It's like Ferris Bueller died and was reincarnated into a wise-ass Australian kid with nipple rings and coked-out hipster glasses.

Learn about the man, myth, and YouTube legend below.

Remember kids, you may grow old, but its up to you whether or not you grow up.

Best Party Ever News Report

Amy Crackhouse

2008-01-14T22:06:00.000-05:00

Oh my God Amy Winehouse looks fucked up. She's looking less and less like a celebrity heroin addict and more like a regular ass heroin addict.

You know sometimes when you're joking around with your friends and someone asks you if you would fuck a certain celebrity and you go, "Nah, I wouldn't fuck her she's gross"? Like, "Nah, I wouldn't fuck Raven Simone she's gross" but secretly if some strange opportunity came up you probably would? This is NOT like that. I would NEVER fuck Amy Winehouse under even the gravest of circumstances. I don't care if our child's blood would have the cure for AIDS and racism. Never ever.

She looks like a hungry skeleton bobble head. Like a white Jamaican nanny from '92. Like a ghoulish female Ted Danson. It's...it's horrible.

It's a shame too cause her CD was the best British Jew Female Motown Vocal album I ever heard.

And for your viewing pleasure:

Here's Amy blowing a line during a live show

Throwback Time!

2008-01-12T18:18:00.000-05:00

Limp Bizkit f. Method Man - N 2 Gether Now

hahaha, I know ya'll remember this one. True story: Fred Durst was once relevant to a lot of people.

"Doo Doo is Doo Doo!"
-Method Man

F(l)ag Football

2008-01-09T20:08:00.001-05:00

While searching the internets for other people who think that Jacksonville Jaguars QB David Garrard may be gay (nothing wrong with being gay; something wrong with staying in the closet because of some football social norm), I came across a whole facet of life I never knew existed. I'd like to introduce you guys to the world of Gay Football.

Just in case any of you were wondering, Eagle Leather Bar defeated Therapy Gay Bar & Lounge in Gaybowl VII.

Other NFL players I suspect enjoy Hugh Grant movies: Giants DE Michael Strahan, Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander, and Bucs QB Jeff Garcia.

Obama/Richardson '08!

2008-01-08T21:30:00.001-05:00

You can shoot me if you want but you're just gonna open the border up so...

Beyonce Sons Kanye in Connect Four

2008-01-05T02:38:00.001-05:00

Great story off Kanye's blog, and to the Louis Vuitton Don's credit, it's actually funny and [gasp] down to earth. I mean, down to earth until the nigga stomps on stage at another awards show screamin that his video is the best because it "cost a million dollars" and showed him "jumping over canyons and shit."

"..but every now and then people would speak of this legendary connect 4 champion........... BEYONCE!!! I had 2 play her!...so last night at Jay's new 40/40 club in Las Vegas she beat me 9 times in a row!"

"How come all the jeans have reflector strips?"

2008-01-05T02:36:00.000-05:00

This story from a great site named Jezebel. A small loss for wiggers, a small victory against McFashion.

Bye bye d.e.m.o.

From My Cold Dead Hands

2008-01-05T00:54:00.000-05:00

Sears catalog, 1972